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ok i wont go into the whole thing its way to complicated too many issues. things are REALLY bad with me and my fiance at mo. its alot of external issues. him workin away in his job as soon as we had just gotten over the stress of our house being built in jan he got moved. leavin me several nights on my own in middle of no where. also money and mortgage is crippling us both. he just bought a horse :shock: as if we didnt have enough worries about already and a wedding to pay for......not like that looks likely now :cry:

hes changed alot since his new job. the new crowd he is with is just such a bad influence on him. he went out last week drinkin till 8am!! i havnt met anyone he works with and feel he lives a seperate life. this isnt the whole story but most of it. ive felt neglected for weeks/months even. thing is had 2 week hol bout 2 month ago and was amazin, got on great and had fab time. which makes me think its all external issues. but i jus dunno whats on his mind. he wont open up. but suppose thats just men.

he said last night he doesnt know what he wants hes so much in his head.

im findin this so hard as i love him to pieces and want it to work. i moved from uk for him nearly 2 yrs ago and this is how he repays me. i dont know what im goin to do. im so scared at having to move out but i think i might have to. i always said id be straight home if anythin happened to us. but not that simple as have loan n money responsibilitys here etc. and if went home to mums would be miserable jobless and money less!

im in such a heap over this. my heart literally feels like its breaking. talkin to friends n mum about it all. id say deep down they think i mad that i still there after way he treatin me. its jus not easy to walk away.

i completely was lookin forward to wedding n spending rest of life together n kids etc. but since the job change he doesnt seem to have interest in teh house or me.



i just thought id put it out there as i know you lot always give such good advice. and also i want to know are there any of you who have had pure hell times with fiance but gotten through them??

let me know. thanks guys. x

Charli,

I feel so sorry for you. I have had some tough times with my H2B but things have settled down now - mainly because he changed jobs a few yrs ago. He used to work nights and some weeks he would do 6 nights in a row - leaving me at home alone. I used to go mental about it. I know he was doing it for us but to me spending time together is better than money.

I think everyone goes through a tough time when they buy a house - I am so uptight about money and like your H2B mine bought a new bike while I was trying to work out budget for wedding and book venue not to mention buy furniture for the house - I freaked as I felt like I was putting every penny I had into wedding and he was not that bothered - things are better now and he realises that if we want to save for our wedding there will be no splurges until afterwards.

Communication is the key when you are having difficulties. I can understand that you don't want to walk away - neither would I but if you can't sort this out then you will have to think of your own needs and make a very difficult decision to leave. You need to tell him how you feel and ask him what he wants - 'I don't know' isn't good enough - you are a person with feelings and he is being unfair to expect you to wait around until his head is sorted.

Tell him that you feel like leaving and see what happens - I'll be thinking of you and hope everything works out ;)

You sound so devastated and confused. You poor thing.

He said he doesn't know what he wants?

Does this mean you have tried talking to him about your relationship? Does he not know if it's you he wants?

Hi, I don't have much advice except that you should probably stop talking to your mother about him.

This may only be a temporary problem in your lives, but if you make up and things improve and you're all loved up again - your mother will still be looking at him suspiciously after all you've told her.

Our priest on the pre-marriage course said this to us "You may have forgotten the fight a year later, but there's no way your parents will forget a single negative sentence you've ever said about your partner - and meanwhile you'll be both wondering why they're not close to him/her".

oh yea this been goin on for 2 weeks. i exploded 2 sundays ago as he had one day off (sun) and we were goin to go to beach for day. i asked him twice in days runnin up and he said yes. then he stayed in bed till one that day and gave every excuse under sun not to go. i jus KNEW it would happen deep down as he hadnt STOPPED all that week with horse and work and EVERYTHIN but me and i exploded. that where it all started. then i couldnt take anymor and went home for a few days as was makin self ill not eatin, sick etc. and boy was that a mistake, hes still bitter and angry i went home. and i tried explainin i didnt make that decision easy but was makin me ill plus he was on 7 nights work so what was point in me stayin round gettin more ill?

we have been arguin/discussin on an off. maybe i jus cant accept it. maybe he jus doesnt love me anymore but i find it VERY hard to believe as our hol was amazing and felt so close. i feel like its all external issues. and he tries to please everyone. especially his new work collegues, he could never have guts to jus say look i need to spend time with my fiance.

he jus hasnt got his priorities right at all.

dreadin goin home. he'l b there later tonight. booked self massage after work as my back is in bits from stress!so lookin forward to it.

just before he drove off last night we talked bout few things but all he keeps sayin is he doesnt know etc!its a cop out completely in my eyes and yes feels like i hangin round for him to decide what he wants. i said last night would it help if i moved out for bit. he doesnt know. tonight goin to talk again i think. i have a place i can stay if i do at least.

why has things gotten so bad?!?! its makin me hurt and angry !angry at way he been treatin me. though i do know u need to give guys space sometimes as they deal with things diff but i have given loads of space.

Hi,
I suppose my advice depends on how serious this is. If its very very awfully serious then you need to start preparing yourself for the worst. Telling close friends and your mother is a good thing. I went through this recently and they will be a tower of strength for you. You need to think about the practicality of what would happen if ye split up. Where to live is a big one, then finances.

If this is a bad patch then my advice is different. Be completely honest about how you feel with him. Tell him your insecurities. But be positive about the situation. Tell him it just needs work and that you're willing to put the work in, but he must too. That you'll go out with him and his friends, that if he has a new life you can be part of it too. Its fine to have separate friends but there's no need for you to be at home all the times when he's out with them. He needs to bring you with him occasionally.

The question now though is whether this is the former or latter situation. You'll only know this by talking to him. He needs to want to make it work too. If he doesn't then tough times are ahead. Will he fight to keep you if he thought you were leaving. The answer should be yes.

hey

i saw your post and couldn't not respond.

you poor thing. your poor aul head must be all over the place. You have put so much into this relationship and now you feel like he is giving nothing back.

I am only getting over a similar thing with my ex. Fortunately we didn't have a house. But like yourselves, he didn't know what he wanted. We went away on holidays and were so in love and talked about marriage etc. Then 2 weeks later he dropped a bombshell - he didn't know how he felt anymore, didn't think we were suited etc. I was devastated as it was completely out of the blue. He tried harder and we moved on. But the damage was done. we broke up a few months after. He is starting his own business and has problems at home. I was very supportive to him but at the end of the day, his own head was so messed up, he just didn't know what he wanted. We broke up and I am moving on.

But the key thing we learned from it was that we didn't communicate. We had everything else but this. We would bottle things up and then it would explode.

Communication seems to be the thing here. You need to even write down all the things that you are feeling and tell him. That is what I did and he honestly could see where I was coming from. You can still make a go of things as long as you can get through the rough patches.

I hope it works out. I think all couples go through a stage like this. You both seem to be under a bit of stress but if your love is worth it, you'll make a go of things.

best of luck!

thanks for your advice guys. well situ still hastn improved. hes been at work alot so not seen him really. i can see he is v depressed. but i know it not jus our situ its other pressures like mortgage and his job and money.

hes not talkin though at all. hes goin round like a ball of anger. hes a face like thunder. all im doin at mo (hope is right thing) but jus gettin on wit my own thing and hopin hel cool down. i givin him space. he had to stay overnight last night for work so ill see him wen i get home. jus so sick of the tension though i jus wish hed snap out of it and face up to his problems instead of buryin his head in the sand. i really care for him and love him to bits but if he isnt willing to make this work theres nothin i can do. i just hope he does.

the worst is at night when hes home, hel sleep on the very edge of the bed with back turned. its killing. its like i repulse him or something. he is SO angry and bitter about stuff.

its wreckin my head. and to make things worse hes goin to galway races next week for the week leavin me on my own. im givin a limit to this S*** though. hopefullly the break will do us both good. but if he comes back and is still the same im telling him im movin out. that i cant take any more coldness and not talking.

god im shattered from it all. want my old fiance back :( hurts me what he doing to me and hurts me seein him so depressed and angry.

Why would you move out, it's as much your home as his, don't you pay the mortgage too ?

Tell him to move into the spare room.

Who knows maybe it will provoke some communication ?

I hope it works out, I can hear your heart breaking from here.

:cry:

yea but my name isnt on the mortgage. we been livin there since dec and i been payin a little under half (still crippling me) since feb.

i think maybe i have to face up that he jus doesnt love me anymore. hes so different all bitter n twisted from stuff. its his house at end of day even though was goin to b in my name to wen we got married.

will b good break wen he in galway as could do wit the space. cant bear the tension. then if he doesnt contact me while there (as he doesnt tx or ring me anymore wen he used to) then ill b lookin for somewher to live.

ya see he thinks if all ends ill b runnin home to england. he doesnt yet know i have a card up my sleeve and will b movin out and stayin here for a while. that would shock him.

have to leave my gorgous dog to!he got me him last yr for b day. hes my company at mo at the house how sad!!? but hes the best. if and wen i go its goin to b heartbreakin. why are men so complicated? mine is anyway......

hi charli - poor u !
i really feel 4 u . my H2b and i split up a few yrs ago 4 a few weeks because of his coldness & i must say it was defo for the better .. it was as if he had become another man and simply could not snap out of it , he had become so cold and was turnin to everyone but me- i moved out & moved halfway across the country...six weeks later he was on my door step crying and thankfully he now communicates SO SO much better... that was years ago & i know we both learned so much from it even tho it was only a few wks we were apart. i couldnt eat or function during that time... im glad it happened tho we have def benifited from it ( tho im sure reading that is of no help to u ) .
The other side is that when reading you post i did kinda ask myself ( sorry 4saying this) was if he was seeing anyone else?because of the work thing..but then again he could just be using that as escape and fully assosiating u with negative things like mortgage bills etc.. let us know what ur gonna so.
i really wish u the best of luck & hope things will work out for the best !

Charl,
It must be very hard on your going through this as you dont know where you stand any more in the relationship.

Ok if I were you this is what I think i would do and i know how hard it is to walk away but sometimes you have to do things you dont want to and trust me on this one i know all about it.

This is what i would do i would have a chat with him talk about everything and get it all out in the open and if you feel in your heart of hearts you know what i am talking about then get out of there as to be honoust life is hard enough every day without that shit.

I am telling you now dont put up with it any longer as no one is worth that, why should you be hanging around when he is acting like that no way i wouldnt put up with that i would be out of there and then he might come to his senses...

Let us know how your getting on...Best of luck

its over. he told me to go. hes away at mo in galway for races. so got get al my stuff out. he thinks ill b runnin back home to england but i not. stayin wit friend in a shared house for bit till sort self. n mum over soon. im a MESS. u think u know someone...

charli im so sorry... cant believe he still went to galway races... you will meet much better than him.
GOOD LUCK WIth Everything.

Ah jesus you poor pet. Obviously he wasn't the one for you. What a sh*t treating you like that, freezing you out slowly but surely and then heading off to the races and leaving you to sort yourself out.

Clearly you're better off without him. You must feel a mess at the moment but it will pass in time. You should have a look through the Relationships forum where there are a load of happy endings to stories like yours. It might go some way to making you feel a bit better. Be thankful you aren't waiting until he gets back and getting strung along longer. It seems he knew a while ago this was the way it was headed and didn't have the spine to end it until now.

I hope you're feeling better very soon.