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I will try to keep this as short and as simple as I can, and would really appreciate your opinions.

My H2B talks a lot of shite (drunk or sober) - talks big kind of boasting and he hates people like that!!

He also has a chip on his shoulder about Irish history(IYKWIM). I have no problem with him having his own opinion and veiws and an interest in this area put I don't believe it is a topic that everyone wants to talk about all the time as he does. I actually get quite embarrassed as he always seems to bring it into conversation and I don't think it is appropriate.

It has come to the stage where I don't go out very often. I actually feel sick at the thoughts of going out to the pub with him as there is always a scene of some sort or other. If he is not ranting on about some of the aforementioned stuff he is taking the head off me because well maybe for no reason at all or I might have been aimlesssly looking around or staring into space to be accused of eyeing up some other fellow!

These topics have come up time and time again in our relationship and each time he says he will do something about them. So I give him time to sort it out and ignore his behavior for a while (things don't change over night) but we always seem to be back at square one! Things came to a head last Friday night after another incident so I told him how I was feeling and explained all of the issues I have with our relationship. He still wants to get married and wants to change his behaviour.

I love him very much but don't know if I could spend my life not wanting to go out cause of the fear of what evvent was going to ruin an otherwise great night out. I know he really does want to change cos to be honest if he doesn't he won't have any friends. But am I being realistic in thinking that he can change when we have been over these issues so often, and/or is it reasonable to expect him to change.

I am trying not to be blinded by love. Need to straighten things out in my head.

I hope this post makes some sense as I said I'm confused but hopefully this post isn't.

80 views and no help?

At least you told him it bothered you and he is going to work on it - what more can you ask? He cant change his opinions.. maybe not constantly bringing up the same topics will be hard for him but fair play to him for giving it a go

Hi Whistler, believe it or not but your h2b sounds very like my dad! from experience with living with someone like this nearly my whole life the only thing I can say is that this is apart of your h2b's personality & as he has probably been like this his whole life it will obviously be very hard to change - all you can do is maybe give gentle reminders or joke about it like 'oh here he goes again...' or if he starts talking bull just try to ignore it My h2b can talk a lot of bull sometimes (esp in front of friends) & I just call him on it & it soon stops.
I know its hard but try not to let this come between you - 'for better or worse' and all that.....
Take care, I hope you get sorted soon x

Oh god this is a tough one. The only person who can change his behaviour is him. If you say he actually wants to then that is a good thing. What you can do to help is call him up every single time he starts acting the tosser, and I mean everytime.

My Dad has similar tendancies and my Mum never calls him on it. Its gotten worse over the years and he's started being a tosser about more and more things now. We used to always blame him for it but now that we're adults we realise its Mums fault too for letting him get away with it all the time.

For you I would advise that you sit down with him and decide a plan of action where you help and support him while he changes by actively making a point of calling him on anything that he says thats out of line. If he's agreeable then fab. If not you'll be asking yourself questions about your future with him.

Best of luck with it. God, why can't all men just be perfect! Is it too much to ask????

Both my husband & my Father come should come with a health warning, neither are the most diplomatic, both are quite forthright to say the least). We were at my brothers last weekend admiring his new baby, quite a crowd there and my DH gets chatting to one of the guys about our garden (DH had done it all himself and is justifably proud of it BUT ......) to me he was boring the arse of everyone plus he sounded big headed etc and I was embarassed! However people who know him also know that he is generous to a fault, kind, considerate etc and as they say to know him is to love him ...

Sorry for meandering but the question is:
(A) Is he harmless? Is he just socially awkward? Do you really care what people think beacuse you know that deep down he is a great guy really? Is he good to you, does he treat you with the respect you deserve ...... What struck me more was where you said:

Quote:

If he is not ranting on about some of the aforementioned stuff he is taking the head off me because well maybe for no reason at all or I might have been aimlesssly looking around or staring into space to be accused of eyeing up some other fellow!

That's bad - there is no excuse at all for that kind of behaviour in opinion. I would cope with him being annoying in company but no man would ever speak to me like that.

Perhaps he is insecure and feels awkward in company so he overcompensates. Either way you cannot become a prisioner to his attitude when you go out. Have you asked him does he realise how he sounds, how he behaves?

_________________

One of my best friends is living with a guy like this, hope you aren't her!

He's racist, he's a so called republican, (Thank God not an activist just a mouth piece) he's a chauvinist, he's loud, opinioned on everything and thinks that if he's in a restaurant/pub the waiters/waitresses are beneath him and should bow to his every whim....

We all love her to bits but we hate him, we tolerate him and try not to argue with him because thats what he thinks a conversation should be one big bloody argument, so everyone dreads to see them coming on a night out.

You've been with him a while, he's offered to change a few times, he hasn't so far, so realistically you have to think do you want to spend your life with someone who has a potential to be like this for the duration and decide on that.

As for changing him, lol, men do change, remember they tend to get less tolerant as they get older....

Thanks for your replies. Miss Sixty no offence taken to any advise given.
That is one of the questions I was asking, I don't think it's very fair to ask someone to change their whole personality to suit someone else. I have been trying to imagine our future together if things remain as they are.

I am tired of being on edge watching what he is saying to people and acting like a child in the corner when we go out to try to prevent a bust up. He always says he wants to change and as you said slips back into his old habits. I've given it almost 5 years. I don't want to marry him and realise it was a mistake.

At the weekend he made me very angry (don't think I've been that mad in years). He was going to go to a night out thing (political) that he knew I wouldn't be any way happy about and was trying to persuade my sisters boyfriends to go too. He never told me anything about it and I was told about it by a family member. None of my family members or their boyfriends would even dream of going to an event of this kind but he put so much pressure on them they said they'd ring the night before to confirm. Needless to say they didn't ring. He never told me about this even though he had it planned ages because he knew how much it would upset me- Well then why do it??

I made it clear after bringing up all of my issues that one more incident of accusing me of things or just picking a fight with me or anyone else for the sake of it when he is drunk I will be gone and not coming back. I think I deserve to be treated with a bit more respect than being his verbal punching bag when he gets drunk enough. And that I won't hesitate to do he has had way to many chances on that score.

Again ladies, thanks for your replies and advice. I will let you know how things go. Thanks

O you poor thing its hard sometimes there are so many different personalitites out there. You cant change him and that who you fell in love with.

Hope it all works out for you

xxxx

By the way im not one of the 80 just read it now and replyed!!!!!!!!

just read your post . This is from the hip.

you seem to be in a relationship which is sapping your confidence. ( that sounds patronising its not meant that way ) you are stopping going out- you are conscious of him all the time when out if it were me i would be wound up to ninety inside while keeping face . jealousy and possesiveness can be destroying . i really feel for you but if you are thinking about what you want from life and his manner is making that spectacle less than rosy- i would be hesitant to get married. you are the most important person in this. yes people do change - you know him best - do you think he can ?

Hi Whistler - in some ways your would be H2B sounds a lot like my father. I'll do my best to explain why. My father isn't a republican sympathiser but in the course of my parents' marriage, he managed to fall out with all of her relatives and quite a few of his own. She used to be on edge when they went out together and in the end she stopped going out with him because he used to pick arguments with her. Her relatives stopped calling to see us at home and avoided inviting them (as a couple) to family celebrations - can you imagine how hurtful that must have been for her? Knowing that her own relatives were excluding her from sharing their happinedss because of her husband's behaviour? Oh, and he used to accuse her constantly of eyeing up other men and even having affairs with them. One good piece of advice she gave me was that she didn't mind who I chose to share my life with but if he was possessive or jealous - DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY! I'm not saying that your guy is like my dad but I wouldn't wish the 35 years of misery she endured on anyone else. You can't make anyone change. Only they can change themselves - if they want to.

Again, this sounds like my Dad, I know it can be very hard, I think you really need to think about what you want out of the relationship and then try to figure out if you're getting it...all the best.
W