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you know, sometimes i think there is no right or wrong answer to all of this, there really isnt and the simple reality is that its not black and white. I do tend to always think of the other side of the coin in certain cases and affairs can become so dangerous that its very easy to get sucked in. its a horrible situation for ALL involved. i agree with jenny saying that feelings should be taken into consideration but in retrospect its very hard to think rationally for two people who are having an affair with each other at the time. no way am i condoning it but that states the obvious, of course its wrong. i just feel sometimes that its very easy for outsiders to judge affairs and its a case of there but for the grace of god go i. we may think and god we hope and some of us envisage that itll never happen to us but do we really know what particular role in an affair triangle that one day we may end up in? touch wood. it comes upon you before you know it.

i have a friend who sleeps with married men and doesnt feel an once of guilt on anyones part. my other friends brand her as a slag etc but not a word is mentioned about the married guy for his actions. its not a good enough excuse nowadays for people to have the blaze attitude of "ah well he is a man at the end of the day".......and? because of his gender he gets to play that card as an excuse? ive seen first hand how my friend fell in love with a married man and it tore her to shreds emotionally when he decided to end the affair to give his marriage another go. she was blinded by the whole connetion between the two of them and couldnt see any another dimension of the situation at all. it was only natural that i felt pity for her as she was such a mess so thats why its not a pretty picture for everyone involved. self control plays a big part in all of this and it takes more guts to walk away from it before it begins, but not everyone unfortunately is equipped with this tool. affairs breed longetivity. its not really a question of whether these two people are scumbags. maybe they are, maybe they arent but unfortunately for them and the innocent third party involved in all of this, those two can only see one world at the moment - theirs!

Honestly I think what you are saying is the reason why affairs take place it's like its an excuse, my whole point really is ok am going to generalise so realise this is not always the case but if we as women were to stop and think of our mothers our sisters our best friends and how hurt they have been and if we make a decision not to hurt another women then that's half the battle. How many mails have said oh the man has to take responsibility and I agree but we as women can't make a stand for a man we have to as women decide to treat other women with the respect we would like to see all the women in our lives treated with.

I believe you can get caught up in a moment but I also believe there is always that time to just walk away.

I've been in London for the past few days and saw my friend - the girl having the affair. I can maybe add more detail to those who asked. I must say though, I'm astonished at some of the comments thrown at this topic - Miss Sisty are you for real?

Telling me to watch my man, as before I know it she'll be on him too???? That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Just because my friend has fallen for a married man, doesn't mean she has to be attracted to every guy in a relationship.....is that your understanding of it? That no man with a wedding ring is safe? Please!

Anyway, I still stand by my original point - morally it's wrong, but I don't really care. I don't know the couple involved,a nd am not in the habit of getting upset over strangers. I don't like to form opinions until I know more anyway. So at the initial moment I heard, I really didn't care for the other woman, but for my friend, the one having the affair. My first reaction was 'on no', but then I thought, well you're 34, you know right from wrong so each to their own.

To answer KKranberry - would I care if it was my h2b having an affair? No, of course not. (??) What a ridiculous question! Am I breaking some law here because I said I did not care too much for the fact that a couple I don't know are having marriage difficulties, and the guy is seeing my friend? Maybe I am wrong and I [b]should[/b] be loosing sleep over it?

A lot of you berated me for that - but thats genuinely how I feel. Of course I'd rather if my friend had met a single guy; but she hasn't. Shin, you made a very good point that affairs are very black and white and there are no right or wrong answers. I think that was the best advice given, seeing as no-one had all the facts (not even me) when I originally posted. So here's an update. I got it all at the weekend.

They met through work (the husband and 'adultress'). He is married for 7 years. Both my friend and him are based in London. Wife home once a month, but based with work around the world. Wife is a stylist for a rock band and travels a lot. Wife confessed to an affair 3 years into marriage. It broke his heart. They have tried to make it work again, and he thought it was on track. He asked her not to be away so much. She tried working locally for a time, but loved her career so they agreed to have the one weekend a month thing going on indefinately. He has been married before and has a son. His first wife left him for a woman. He see's his son regularly and has a good relationship with her.

The 'adultress' and him met through work and have been seeing each other a lot and talking on the phone every night. They have not had sex yet, (I think we all jumped to conclusions there, as I assumed they had also) as husband wants to leave the wife for her and not have sex while with her, as that is what she did to him and broke his heart. They confess to both having a 'deep connection like they have never experienced with anyone else'. They are in love with each other.

Wife comes home again this weekend and he is telling her he has met someone else. They have not had a sexual relationship for some time now; but are best friends. He loves her, and knows she loves him, but he believes they both know it's over.

So, there you go. Lets wait and see what happens next. I was very surprised when adultress told me that they were not sleeping together. I jumped to conclusions also. The fact that they are not makes me feel like it's not just a bored married man having a bit of fun, but a genuine relationship (albeit his marriage).

Just one more thing - someone asked an interesting question - did my h2b always say my friend was a slag, or was it just after she started seeing the married man. It was only after seeing the married man. Until then, he adored her. She is a model, half Iranian and stunning - has it all going on looks wise. He used to joke that she was too good looking to look at sometimes. But then his opinion of her changed when he heard she was involved with a married man. Strangely, when I told him the update last night, that they hadn't slept together, he admitted that he was maybe a bit rash in his judgement, although he still stands by the fact that she shouldn't be having any relationship with a married man.

And in a lovely world, affairs wouldn't go on at all. But it' not a lovely world, and people can behave horribly. I am entering marriage knowing that an affair can happen at any time throughout your life if you put yourself in the situation. Or am I too cynical...? Then again, I was at a wedding recently and the groom had slept with a guest 3 weeks before - the bride didn't know...............I didn't know her so not my place to tell her; but do you understand what I mean now about not caring? I'm sure I'll get abused for that one too - would you tell the bride if you were the guest at a wedding and had only met her once? I'll leave you to think about it. Life's not black and white.

good update emmaf

sometimes people only see what they want to see and hear. naturally anyone in a relationship cant fathom or understand infidelity and understandably of course, but the same has to be applied then to the person having the affair. they are lost and often depressed in their own world and cant see a way out of it if they wanted to. personally i think we all have the capacity to have an affair. some of us are lucky enough that we never meet the potential person and hence our lives dont become destructive (but thats not to say that person is out there, they prob are but we never cross paths) but unfortunately id say the rest of us do meet that potential person who for the majority of people in that groupage havent got the skills to walk away from it before it begins as its a new powerful emotion.

hope your friend and everyone else involved sort themselves out and everyone can be happy eventually emmaf. xx

sorry just reread the last part of your post there. of course, theres no way on earth i would tell her. at the end of the day, the bride wouldnt thank you for it and itd be you to blame for "ruining her wedding day" if you get me. you totally did the right thing. its the grooms responsibility for that to be upfront. chances are, she'd make ammends with her husband but youd be branded as the psycho label such as "the bitch at our wedding who was jealous of us". people are funny eh, amazing how theyll shift the blame to make themselves feel better if that makes sense. xx

Miss Sixty - are you pissed off cos I questioned your thinking that each woman should hold on to her partner for dear life, as if a woman will have an affair with a married man, she will have an affair with everyone's man?

Which bit exactely is a load of crap?

Thats what he told her. Which bit don't you get? Women leave husbands for women you know.........people have affairs and try and get over them and work through their relationship........people get married more than once........people do have affairs and leave the relationship to be with someone else.........you can have a child with a partner and although not be together have a good relationship with them....? It's not a holywood love story world we live in.

I believe my friend. She believes him. I suppose we'll know this weekend, won't we? Plus, the fact that they work together means other people know this about him too. Is it all a conspiracy do you think? It's normal to be married more than once.

I'll keep you updated.

And NoHurry - I'd like to know the answer to that one too. If it is breaking the law, do you still break the law without sleeping together?

No Hurry and Emma F

I think you will find that when you marry whether in a church or a registry office that you enter into a legally binding contract with your husband when you sign the register. Therefore when you break the conditions of this contract by sleeping with somone else you are breaking the law. This is why women and men are named on divorce papers as the reason for the dissolution of the marriage. This is the reason for marriage vows. Are any of the two of you married?

Just putting together my own thoughts on the above thread. Relationships are so tricky and we are all guilty of analysing and judging other people and their relationship. We all say things without thinking it through. I would think the best advice for the best friend would be to keep her distance until she is sure of the situation concerning the man she is interested in. The fact that they have nt slept together, is it really all about that? Its obvious that he has made an emotional connection with her, talking about past relationships and deciding not to sleep with her til his marriage is over, Meybe he is setting the scene. If his marriage is over and has been for a while then he needs to remove himself from that situation before they can move on. It seems like alot of baggage to be laying on her at the begining of a relationship. In a way I am talking from experience, but I was the girl at home with the baby while my ex was out telling women we were over and he was just supporting me til I found my own feet after the baby was born, He never had any intention of leaving me, just enjoyed the chase and the attention he got from this other girls. he slept with them and kept them hanging on. Eventually I got wise and after alot of heartache and many sleepness nights left him moved back to Irl and started over again on my own with my child. Now we are good friends, but he is still up to the same tricks with his new partner. So please tell your friend to proceed with caution. I know she wants to believe everything this guy is telling her, in some ways it eases her guilt and justifies her seeing him. But there is always 2 sides to every story and there is no guarantee he is telling the truth. I hope he is, have to have some faith in men, but she will save herself alot of heartache if she just takes her time and listens to her heartl.

XMas Love, I still don't think that you're breaking either criminal law or civil law by having an affair. I'm not married but that doesn't mean I'm ignorant of the law. Unless it specifically states (and you sign something confirming it) that you will not sleep with other people (or whatever) than you aren't breaking contract law, per se.

Not a lawyer, mind.....

Can I just say before anybody may be offended by my earlier comment:

Quote:

I took my vows very seriously. "till death do us part" not til something better comes along or the going gets rough!!!!!

That is not a judgement on anybody in 2nd or 3rd marraiges nor is it an attack on those who choose to leave the marraige. I am in strong support of those who are brave enough to leave a bad marraige and move on. My own family has divorce and 2nd marraiges here and there so its not something I dont have experience of.
My point in that statement was directed solely at EmmaF (not kelly as I called her in last post ). I find her attitude towards marraige not only immature but repulsive. She has little or no respect for it IMO.

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