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Hi there Wollies

I know this sounds pretty stupid, but sometimes an outside opionion focuses things.
Im nearly 32 and married 1 year. My husband is in his 40s. He is eager to have children, but he isnt pushing the issue or anything. We talked about this before, and I said that I would like a couple of years child free after getting married, to have 'us' time, because after that, our sleep, finances, and mental health would suffer.
So, to be quite honest, I havent been feeling at all clucky, and can only see the negative aspects (see above).
But on the other side, I know that I shouldnt put these things off because of fertility problems, risks with babies born with Downes, etc. etc.
Also, I want to change jobs and there is the whole issue of 6 months probation in most places. Would you employ a pregnant woman if you knew she could be gone for a whole year after taking her on?

Anyone feeling this way? any advise you wise wollies?

Hi Niamh,
To be honest, my partner and I are also discussing this issue at the moment. Opposite to you though - I'm almost in my mid-30s and he's younger than me - 31. We're both very much aware that my biological clock is ticking, but we'd love to have our new house built before the babies come - but building the house will take quite a while. I just wanted to share this with you, as a good friend mentioned it to me lately - there's really no "right" time, as you'll always be thinking that your circumstances could be better, ie the house in my example, and the job in your situation. At the end of the day, your circumstances or timing will never be perfect for bringing a baby into the world, so just go for it. What's important is that you have a healthy son or daughter at the end of it.

Hi girls,

Just go over to the pregnancy & babies forum sometimes it takes a while to get pregnant & to be honest on my experience there is no right or wrong time. Its a very hard thing to plan beacuse babies dont really go that way. I have my first nearly 5 years ago & although a suprise we had no house, werent together very long etc but everything worked out really well. We are now married & trying for our second which is taking a few months now.
So as I said you can never tell how long it will take so maybe just go for it & see what happens.
If you are waiting for a "right" time it might never come along.

Best of luck

I know, I know this is cliche but you cannot know the joy that a child will bring into your life until they are there, it is one of those tricks of nature like having another after the pain of the first. The first day I felt truely complete was the day I held dd in my arms for the first time and trust me I am not a sappy maternal type, all the bad stuff about having a child pales completely when compared with the good stuff.

I agree with what the other posters said.

However, even if your finances were perfect and you were married 10yrs and you had a stable job & house etc would YOU want a baby right now? From what you said it doesn't sound like you are ready in yourself never mind the external issues.

I have always been maternal and once the ring goes on my finger and I dont have to worry about fitting into a wedding dress anymore the pill packet is going in the bin. For me it's the external factors stopping me TTC - money, wedding, wedding dress! but I know that if these weren't issues I'd be trying right now.

Maybe you need to sit down and think whether you want a baby yet or not - I know you might feel some pressure about your biological clock and at least you are agknowledging it! A lot of my friends won't! But still shouldn't probably be the deciding factor.

Good luck and I hope you decide on what's right for you

Hi There,

You're the same age as I was when I got married to my hubbie. Have you considered that if you have kids now, you will have it "out of the way" and that your kids will be more or less reared when you're in your mid forties, meaning you will have all that time back with your hubbie again?

For us, I knew we should have them right away. The thing is, in your late thirties, if you haven't already conceived once, your chances of becoming pregnant are much lower and of course by then, time is not on your side at all.

Personally I'm so glad we went ahead right away and now we have a fantastic and wonderful baby boy. We still get "us" time as we just make time for each other, and it's lovely to see my husband with our little one, it jsut makes me love him all the more. I know also that my husband has a new respect for me since we have had our little one. It's made him see that I am in fact an extremely patient person, just not when it comes to him - ha ha.

But to answer your question: when's the right time? No time and all the time. No time because there will ALWAYS be a reason not to do it, moving house, moving job, personal stuff going on in yoru life.... but ALL THE TIME because no matter when you have a baby, it will bring you a huge amount of joy, nothing will prepare you for the love you'll feel, and you will not regret it for a second I promise you. And like that other poster, I am NOT a sappy maternal type and I remember I used to laugh at the baby brigade as I used to call them, going around wtih their prams and trendy baby clothes... and now I'm one of them (minus the trendy clothes...) and I'm so proud to be honoured to be a parent. Because it's truly an honour to give life to your own flesh and blood, to hold him/her in your arms and to see that gummy smile.... and yes, since I've had our baby, I've become a COMPLETE sap for him! He's stolen my heart in a big way.

But this post wasn't about me. It's about you.

So getting back to you: I think from reading your post that your heart is not in it. Why don't you wait another 2 years and then reevaluate. By then you'll be 34, still fine to have a babs and even 2 if you want.

Best of luck.

of course when strangers on an anonymous internet forum tell you to.

Hi Niamh K,
I think everyone has made good points, but the main one I would emphasise is that there is no such thing as the "perfect time" to have a baby.

You might think that if you wait a couple of years all the factors involved will have clicked into place, when the reality is you have no idea whether your circumstances will be any worse/better/different by then. You might look back and think that now was the right time.

The only thing that has to be in place is that you both truly want a baby in your life. Also I have never heard anyone say that their mental health has suffered because of having children, unless it's post natal depression you are talking about. Don't worry, you are not going to change into unrecognisable people.....

Hi Niamh,

If you're not really feeling any real urge yet to have a baby Id say dont just try for the sake of your husband or your age etc..

I think you will know inside when YOU feel ready and no matter what your circumstances you will be prepared to go for it then.

I agree that a baby brings great joy and love for most, but I have also seen some people who just didnt take to motherhood, having a child because it was expected etc...and then dont make any real effort at parenting.

Id say you will know yourself when the time comes and you wont need to ask others what they think.

Thanks Wollies.

As always, the advice is sound. I suppose the thing is, I don't have the urge to have a baby now, whereas I did a few years ago.
Does it matter? if I get pregnant will that 'mothering' urge return?

N

if you have no urge, why would you want a baby? don't have one because you feel it's the done thing.

Kitten, you don't necessarily need to 'tell' someone to get pregnant. Rather, you share your opinions and experiences, others share theirs and this may or may not help the OP in her dilemma. You are allegedly pregnant so you could be of particular assistance in this regard. I just don't know why you are so bitter and twisted.