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Hi all as ye all can see Im only new to this site and have to say its fab
Im looking for some advise good or bad just a realistic approach to my little problem ............so here it goes
My bf and i are going out for the last 4half yrs and we are madly in love we are best friends and i think we have a really healthy and happy relationship and life. However I feel we need to venture into the next stage the big m - marriage - I have given everything into this relationship literaly we have built a house which is on my site which my late father had left me and really was the only thing i posses, of course we are now living together and loving every minute I guess i really want to take the big step not just for me butfor my mother as well last year we nearly lost her and Im the last to get married and all i want is for her to give me away and see me happily settled My bf however says we should be greatful for what we have which of course I am we have the house of our dreams and a great life and also he says its his dicision when when get mariied because he is the one that will be asking the question - now this really irriates me and this always ends in an argument. I guess he cant under stand that i want to stand up and tell the world this is the man i love and i want to spend the rest of my life with and have a family with, Am i being completely selfish I cant speak to friends as none are in serious relationships and my family are just waiting for the big day

Sorry about the essay but all comments good or bad would be appriciated
Thanks

I don't think you are being selfish at all, it is understandable at your stage in the relationship, but it sounds as if your bf just isn't ready. I don't doubt his committment to you but for some people getting married is a bit of a mental stumbling block...both h2b and I were like this as we see it as a sign of having to grow up and settle down. You should talk about how you feel and explain about your mum but whatever you do don't pressure him he will come round in his own time! Good Luck!

Hi Butterfly, youre not being selfish at all, its understandable that you would feel that way, you are both settled with your house built etc. after four years together its naturally the next step. he sounds like hes making flimsy excuses for not producing the ring.
however, on the other hand, it may be something that he has already planned out in his mind and he might want to surprise you. it mayb be best to give him a little more time if you've only just settled into the house he may be making his plans.

he says its his dicision when when get mariied because he is the one that will be asking the question - now this really irriates me


Of course it irritates you. Thats daft. It is not his decision, however neither is it yours. You will get married when both of you are ready. He's not ready yet. He is your best friend, you will be married eventually.
i think the more you put pressure on something like this the more pushed into a corner he may feel. You will get nowhere by trying to force him into it. Poor you. Dont make yourself unhappy by dwelling on this if you can.
Back off for a while if you can. Dont worry about your mam, Im sure she's happy for you.

Butterfly250 - you are not being selfish, and you are not alone.

Last year I went through some medical problems which could have left me infertile (thankfully it's fine now). It set my hormones racing, and I was all over the place. I asked H2B if, when things settled down a bit, could we get engaged. He said I had just delayed a proposal by 2 years at least! However, 8 months later, he popped the question. I was terrified to mention it to him in the months in between in case I delayed it even further! So I know that he proposed to me because he wanted to and not because I forced him.

As regards him deciding when you get married, my H2B kept saying the exact same, but I found that to argue with him made him all the more determined to stand his ground. Perhaps you should just shrug it off whenever he mentions it again.

And fingers crossed your BF realises what he has got, and he proposes to you soon. I don't think you should pressurise him about this. It might be easier said than done as you have very strong emotional reasons for wanting to get married. I hope it all works out for you, but you can keep us posted.

butterfly250.
You are not being selfish at all. Maybe he's so happy he just don't want to change things..........or maybe he wants to surprise u......

I think alot of men cant see past the expense and hence hold it off until the timing is right.

Then again is the 21 century.........why don't u ask him??????????

i dont think you're being at all selfish
if its want you want you have to discuss it together, dont force him into anything nobody likes that, but tell him you want to know where your relationship is going, not that you're looking for a proposal right now but tell him its somewhere you'd like to see the relationship going one day and does he feel the same
i think the day is gone where women sit around hoping the question will be popped but also not forcing someone or always hinting at something they're not ready for either

no you arent being selfish but dont push either. nothing good comes out of pressurising someone. give it time act like it has gone out of your mind , sometimes by taking a step back they move a bit quicker !

Hey guys thanks a million for all your coments they were great I have however made a disicion I going to forget about it for a while my bf is as stubborn as a mule and if I keep goin on about it he's just goin to dig his heels in deeper and since we have been getting on so well since we moved into the house i just want a quiet life for the moment cause last year when we were building the house we were both so streesed out we nearly killed each other. However if I am sitting at this computer compaining that I still havent got my rock this time next year there will be hell to pay ............. He knows my feeling on this so hopefully he will come up trumps well he better
Thanks again guys and I will keep ye updated

Well i hope you get your ring in the end but why are you living with and building a house with someone that doesn't want to marry you and won't give you the commitment you want?

Don't think you should be getting married for your Mums sake, the marrige is about you and him not you him and your Mum. How long are you living together? If it's recent try not to worry so much about it, building a house and moving in is a big step forward in any relationship.

Under no circumstances do i want to get married for my mothers sake but as my father died when i was young i have a very close bond with my mother she is an elderly lady and has had some serious health problems I am her youngest child and I am the one who has cared for her when she was ill and we have built our home only 500 metres from my mothers, more so for my sake i want my mam to give me away to a man she has great respect for and a man that will look after me just like my father did for her.
Myself and bf moved into our house in June after 10 months of pure hardship as we built it by direct labour ,we have made a huge commitment to each other by doing this and for me the icing on the cake would be marriage, however i know i need to be more patient and this will come soon i know how lucky I am and so does he at the moment i will keep enjoyin living in sin !!!!

Congrats on all your hard work, that's a great achievement, as your living together since June, I'd relax a bit about the whole thing and catch your breath. Houses and expensive and putting a wedding on top of that could be back breaking financially. Give yourself a bit of breathing room, to enjoy what you've done so far.

i do think you are right in your way of thinking, i can totally understand where you are coming from. it can be very stressful building your own house or moving into a new one, congratulations by the way...

anway i think that you should leave it for a while, i dont agree with what he has said that it is his decision as i think it is a joint decision however i would leave it for a while but you will need to talk about it to see when will he be ready as there is no point in living together for the next 5 years and not knowing where the relationship is going, fair play to you for being mature enough to know what you want.

you never know he might have a suprise for you

come back and let us know how you get on