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About two years ago my parents droppped a bit of a bombshell on me and my brother...that they had another baby before us that for their own reasons at the time they had given up for adoption. He had got in touch with them a couple of years ago and wanted to meet me and my brother. He was getting married around that time and wanted us at the wedding.
Mum and dad went to the weddig, me and my brother didn't. I didn't feel it was the right place to meet him for the first time. We speak on the phone and text every couple of weeks but I have never actually met him. No one outside the immediate family and H2B knows about him. My mums dad is very ill with cancer and she doesn't feel that she can tell him.
So heres the problem: I'm getting married at the end of December. I had already decided not to invite my brother as my mum doesn't feel comfortable with him being there as no one knows about him and she doesn't want her dad finding out. It didn't bother me not inviting him as I don't really even know him. I was going to leave it till after the weddig and then explain to him why I hadn't invited him. But last weekend he rang to say that him, his wife and their baby are comin over next week for a week long visit. He's bound to hear about the wedding while he's here as we're up to our eyes in wedding stuff at the moment. Dad thinks it would be easier to just invite him, he says he doesn't mind people knowing at this stage and doesn't care what people think. Mum won't give me a straight answer when I try to talk to her about it but I'm fairly sure she doesn't want him there. I'm going to have to tell him during the week while he's here but I'm not sure how to approach it. Any advice?

If you didn't got to his wedding anyway and you're not in contact much maybe he won't be expecting an invite. Plus if you explain about your Grandad being so ill and that it might not be the best time to introduce him to everyone he may understand.

God hope it all goes well for all of you whatever you decide. All the very best of luck

Hello, I have PM'd you, x

Oh thats a tough call.
See how the week goes before you decide to invite him or not..Maybe he has plans made or will not be in the country.

If you dont want him there, dont invite him. I know that sounds harsh. Your Parents and you will be on edge all day panicing about who knows, might find out etc. He will understand, he has a family outside of yours and Im sure he understands that just because you now know about him, doesnt automatically mean he's going to be included in every family event. My H2B is adopted and recently met his Biological mum, we had a similar dilema and have decided it would affect H2B and his parents too much on the day and its best we dont invite her. We'd like to celebrate seperatly with her, a nice dinner or something. Maybe you could explain your reasons and suggest celebrating with your adopted brother afterwards. I hope it works out, I know how difficult a decision it is!

I can't see what the problem is. He is your brother, he is your parents son, they gave him up for whatever reason, probably because they weren't married and the 'shame' it would have brought to the family. For whatever reason, he was given up and now he wants to keep contact with his biological family, and ye are treating him like some dirty little secret. Think about how he feels? His parents didn't want him when he was a baby and now he's being treated like a dirty little secret. At least your dad is showing some bit of compassion. As for your mother, he is a grown woman, a grandmother for god's sake and she's still afraid of her father? I'm sure he has mellowed out and might actually be happy to meet his grandson. I don't know! 21st century and this sh*te is still going on.

Annabel maybe you didn't fully read my pot. My mother isn't keeping this from her dad because she's scared of him. He's dying of cancer. She's going to see him in a couple of weeks(he lives abroad) and it's probably going to be the last time she sees him. The doctors reckon he'll be lucky till live till xmas, the last thing he needs is to hear this. It's not that he's being treated like a "dirty liitle secret". Mum and dad were going to tell both their fathers a couple of months ago. (Their mothers are already dead.) Then my dads dad died and within a week mums dad was diagnosed with cancer and given a couple of months to live. They have already said that they will tell everyone but if she tells her dad she wants it coming from her, not a load of relations who have seen him at the wedding. At the moment he is just too sick to be told.

hey there

I understand that it's a tough one, I think that it would make your wedding day uncomfortable for a lot of people, your brother included, if he was to be there, you know how people like to talk and gossip.

It may be that he understands this and would rather not go himself, it's a lot to try and explain and having to explain the story to however many people will be there is not how you want to spend your day.

At least you're getting to meet him soon and have him in your life, but I think he would understand where you're coming from if you explained.

Best of luck

and I hope your grandad is ok

How upsetting for you and your family. I am very sorry to hear about your grandfather, that is terribly sad that all of this is happening around the time of your wedding also.
I dont believe that your brother should go to your wedding. It would not be fair on your parents that such a decision be forced upon them(ie telling people about their son) because of timing. They are entitled to tell people when they are comfortable with it.
You are in contact with your brother. Is he a sound, reasonable man? If he is then you must approach him and tell him about the wedding....before he comes over. It would be unfair on him to drop such a clanger when he comes over. So telll him beforehand.
Your poor parents. To have to give up a child would be devastating for them Im sure. It is not the right time at a wedding for people to find out such news. There will be gossip and talk behind hands. Your parents are entitled to tell people in their own time. Im sure your brother will understand. Maybe your mother could talk to him too.
Good luck

Thanks for the replies. Moo, to be honest I'm not sure that reasonable is the word I would use to describe him. He wrote a letter to me and my brother a couple of years ago telling us of his existence. He would not wait until my parents had told us like they asked him to...he just went ahead and put it all in a letter and sent it to us. I understand that at the time he was getting impatient about my parents telling us about him but I do not feel that sending a letter saying "Hi I'm your brother" was they way to go about it. It was up to my parents to tell us when the time was right for them. I was feeding the baby when the post arrived and I remember just sitting in absolute shock reading the letter! He tends to act first and think of the consequences later. That is why I was hoping not to tell him about the wedding until after it was over... I don't entirely trust him not to turn up on the day, invited or not!

Oh.
Thats different. This sounds like a man who wants his family to know of his existence and does not want to be hidden away like a secret. I can understand where he is coming from. Can you? He was given up. Ye werent. And the fact that he has met someone and had a child will influence his decison even more that he and his child know his/your family.
That was an unfair thing to do ( the letter). It wasnt quite the right way to begin good relations with his family. He is not showing your parents respect because he is too busy establishing his own identity and place in the world.
You poor girl. So you dont think you can expect him to be reasonable about the wedding. Is it possible that he will turn up and you will have to weather the storm? Will even the knowledge of a dying man sway him? Could you try to reason with him first?

that's such a tough situation.

on the one hand you don't seem sure that your brother will behave himself if he is at the wedding. And by behave himself, I mean not go around and tell everyone who he is, thereby upsetting your grandfather and making the whole focus of your wedding being about your long lost brother and not about it being the happiest day of your and h2b's lives.

however, from his point of view, he was adopted at birth and now wants a chance to get to know his brand new sister and brother and birth parents. You've had your whole lives together and he's lost that. I'm sure he's finding it hard to find his niche in your family and is trying not to miss out on any more family life. Your wedding is a pretty big family affair, and to not invite him might seem to be snubbing him, saying you have a brother, you don't want another one.

I really don't envy you, but I'm sure whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.

Hi Blushing Bride,

My heart goes out to you. I think maybe it would be best if you did'nt invite him. Its your wedding day and its important that its it the best day of your life. You don't want to be on edge and worrying that people are uncomfortable. And I think that by your mum not giving you a straight answer then deep down she does'nt want him there but does'nt want to say it. When he's here on holiday why not take him aside and explain it to him and if he has any heart he'll understand and respect your decision.
Nip it in the bud otherwise you'll stress yourself out and end up sick, and no-one would want that for you.
Anyway hope it all works out for you.....