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I just noticed on your post that he was planning on meeting her so if her left it behind in Boston then why was he meeting her and still texting her and yes having her picture on his computer....
There are guys out there who seriously feel there is nothing wrong with a fling before marriage but 9 times out of ten those guys will usually stray again at some stage during the marriage usually on weekends away
so its really up to you to decide if you feel ready to trust him every time he goes out without you or gos away or are you going to be at home worrying about what he is up to....
Its your life and you have to decide what you can live with .....

well aparently she was coming to ireland in new yr anyway...that was how they got chatting in the pub when they met..

her txt to him read something like....."did you mean that if we met in ireland that it would be on just friends terms - because i cant meet you if i cant kiss you and i def cant meet your fiancee.. you've found an american girl that thinks a lot of you"

so to me it seemed that it was her pushing to meet him over here on a fling basis.

he has told me that he didn't reply to her and wants to cut all contact with her.

i haven't spoken to him since as to wheather he has deleted her photo's and her mob no.

heres hoping that he did at least that or theres def no trust here

I agree with MrsC. He should have told you about this girl when he came home first and not let you find out for yourself - its ten times worse now. As MrsC said if you didnt find out was he ever going to tell you?

It's very hard to give advice about something I have not been through but what I will say,its not the point of you being able to live without him its whether he can live without you...you are not at fault here.
By him calling it a "fling" suggests to me as sickening as its sounds that he did in fact sleep with her,if it was just a kiss would she reallys want to see him again so bad?
Sorry if I'm sounding too up front,but men seem to turn alot of their mistakes around on us.As you have said if the shoe was on the other foot he would boot you out-just like my DH has always said,I'm at fault not the person I have the affair/fling with....

It will take time but think about what YOU want and make him realise what he could loose.
Talk care

You poor thing dec07bride2b. I'm sure it is heartbreaking, but if this is the first time he has done this and he is telling the truth that he will break off all contact, and you believe him that he will, then the only question you have to ask yourself is can YOU get over it?
If you can't you're better to walk away now than waste some of you life trying to get over it and sort it out and start again. Maybe you should consider beanies advise and think about postponing the wedding? Take care

I feel so bad for you and know if it happened to me, I would never be able to forget or forgive. But one thing I would do, and perhaps it'd no harm for you to do it as well, is, either email or text this 'American B***h' back and ask her to tell you, in her words, what happened and explain that the rest of your life depends on her telling you the truth.
But to make it nice and friendly and like your not at all blaming her... keep her on good terms or she wont tell you the truth.
If she's hung up on H2b, and if he has ignored her and cut contact, then she'll be p***ed with him and might blab it all out to you.
Just my opinion anyway.

Really sorry to hear the terrible time you are going through Dec07 what I would be wondering about if it were me is, if he never intended to see her again how the hell had she his mobile number!?

Fool me once, shame on you

Fool me twice, shame on me.....

Are you sure it will never (and the rest of your lives is a pretty long time for never) happen again? If you're not, maybe you need to think about how you'd feel if it happenned again. If you were married with kids at the time, would you be able to end it then if you can't do it now?

first of all I just dont know what i would do if this happened to me. This is my pennys worth:

he said it was a " fling" by him admitting that , he is saying some type of flirting and perhaps kissing went on. now this to me is very very hard to forgive. it sounds like its nearly no big deal to him. this I would worry about, i mean has he any idea the hurt he has caused you??. if he doesnt well then i would be thinking very seriously his suitability as your partner (for the rest of your life )and your future happiness..
Its you that is the most important person in this. If he is blase about this well then a bit of flirting again wont be a big deal !

I really fear for your future happiness with him. its his attitude really. also he should be on his hands and knees begging you for forgiveness and a second chance. well if he isisnt he either doesnt understand how awful and hutrtful his actions have been or he just doesnt value you enough.


Take care of yourself-

RADY

just one thing if he is saying he has had no contact and you are saying it is her pushing to see him why on earth did he give her his mobile number if he was planning on not seeing her again when she came to ireland then he would never have done that....I know thats hard to hear
I really hope it works out for you
I do think you should call off the wedding date and ease yourself of that pressure

I am sorry to hear this as I would say that you are numb and are in a lot of pain over this...

I just believe that once a cheat allways a cheat, i am sorry to say this BUT once someone cheats then I think for the rest of your life with this person you are going to be looking over your shoulder, as to everytime he goes out ..what he is up to etc etc, i dont think that anyone can fully forgive someone who has done that to them, you may take it out on him in a different way throughout the years ahead with him if you marry him but whats the point...

If it was me and I dont like to say this but I would boot him out,
if it was you he would do that to you, i know how your feeling that you have been with him a long time but I just think in the long run you are better off getting out now as he will hurt you again..

The thing is that he gave her his mobile no and she was talking about meeting up in the new year, to me it sounds like more of a fling and the way he said that to you... ohhh that was only a fling, I just dont like to sound of it all, I dont think that he would have told you if you had not have found out yourself and I do think that he would have met up with her in the new year and would not have told you and I also think that he slept with her..

I am sorry to say all this but I am looking from the outside picture in, it is very hard when you are in the picture to not see everything.

I hope everything works out for you big huggs to you....xxxxxxxx

it a hard one, we all say that if our other half cheated there is no way we would take him back but it must be different in the situation. firstly i wonder if he was ever going to tell you if you hadnt of found out yourself. secondly im sorry but even a kiss is cheating to me. i mean a full on french snog not a peck on the cheek. i know myself regardless of what problem h2b and i have had there is no way i could be with him if he cheated. once a cheater always a cheater and you would end up asking yourself all the time when he goes out where is he going. hope you make the right decision whatever it is.

How are you today?

Gotta post my tuppenceworth here. Slightly diff situation, but kinda similar.

Many years ago now my h2b and I had a "break" after we were arguing a lot about my jealousy over a girl in his class. During the break, despite us still being in contact and meeting up constantly and trying to work it out, he kissed this girl.

I only found out through a friend who saw them in town. I, of course, went ballistic - at both him (and to my shame) her. (Although part of me still goes mad at the thought of her - she knew I existed!)

Anyway, we got back together later on. It was a once-off, and I believe that, although I think he was flirting with her for ages before.

However, it took us YEARS to get back on an even keel. My trust of him was gone completely. Going away travelling finally got us back on the right track and removed all worry I had about him doing it again. (Although I still hate it when he attends "class" nights out.)

What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that it CAN work again afterward. But it really, really does take a lot of time and commitment. For me, after it happened, I always found it annoying that he brushed off my concerns and didn't understand where I was coming from when I was jealous. However, I don't think I ever changed that; I simply think I stopped being jealous.

Give yourself plenty of time and TLC. Only you can judge what happened and why, and if you're like me, you'll always doubt their version of the events. I WOULD postpone the wedding tho. You've got plenty of time to rearrange - and you need to get your own head in order before you can commit to him long-term.

When you feel comfortable with the thought of him away on his stag - then you're ready to be married. (And yes, none of us really like it, but it's the belief that he COULD do the dirt that's the concern.)

Sorry for the long post!

And good luck whatever you decide to do!