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Hi Guys,
Sorry but this could be a bit of a long one! Need to give ye some background first. Basically, I have been living with my BF for the last 2 years and he is amazing. I know he is the one. He spoils me rotten, is really romantic, kind and everything you could possibly
want in a guy. I came home from work last week to find our house SHINING and he told me that he had hired a cleaner to come regularly to clean the place so I would have more free time.
Just trying to give you a bit of a picture of the type of guy he is
Anyways, I basically moved across the world to be with him and it was a brilliant decision. I'm very outgoing and I have made a lot of friends over here - we have a really busy social life and he loves it (or well, I thought he did). I was out for dinner on Tuesday night with one of my girlfriends and he texted me when I was on my way home. I told him I'd be home in 10 minutes. So, when I arrived back to the house I was all excited to catch up with him and next thing he comes down stairs, his face was snow
white and he said 'we have to talk'. I can't tell you the horror that ripped through me, I have never seen him so angry in all the years I have known him (have known him around 6 years). So, he pulls out this envelope and it has my name on the front of it. It was unopened by I could see by the postmark that it was from his sister who also lives abroad.
To cut a long story short, he basically tore absaloute strips of me, telling me that his family was 'his security' and that he hadn't seen his sister in 3 years and here she was sending me post before she would send it to him and it just went on and on and on. I was horrified - I didn't even know what she had sent. I NEVER contact any of his family unless it is to say thank you for a card or something and I always run it by him first. I was totally like WTF???? I opened the parcel and she had sent a thank you card (addressed to BOTH of us) and some pics of their new baby (we had sent over some clothes as a present for him). We have spent the last two days (with me basically bawling crying constantly) fighting over
this. His point of view is that I 'have taken over everything' and basically he doesn't want me to 'take over his family'. He also said 'everyone loves you, you are the most popularperson I know' WTF??????????? We are popular enough I suppose AS A COUPLE so I really don't know
what he is going on about. I would have thought that he was delighted that his family see me as part of his life. I would only ever maybe send gifts to his family (for new babies etc.) with his complete input and agreement and have NEVER contacted them outside of that. I am so
hurt at the 'taking over everything' comment too - while I know thats right to an extent (I have taken over the running of the house and probably most of the wardrobe he has always told me how much he loves this. I plan our weekends and this too seems to be an issue with
him now even though I would always be quite happy to go along with whatever plans he suggests. I guess I do always want to call what we do and I do like things my way. But I am willing to try to improve it???

I think he feels 'its all about me' and I hate that feeling. Then he tells me that he doesn't want me to change at all when we are all teary and upset. Then I say 'maybe this isn't working' and then he says 'maybe it isn't' when I am crying like a madwoman, and then we fall into each
others arms

We've 'made up' but I'm still really hurt - I'm supposed to be meeting his parents for the first time at Christmas and now I just don't know how to handle it. I asked him if he still thought that was a good idea and he said he did. Is anybody else confused??? I really don't know whats going on with him - there are probably a few things though - He is wrecked tired (we both are) - we are working all the hours god sends and haven't had
a holiday yet this year (going back to Ireland in a few weeks) and it will be our first break yet this year. He is 3 years younger than me and I have had serious boyfriends that I have lived with before but he has never lived with another girl before or had someone as serious as me. Also, we are both out here on our own and we do rely on each other - our
families are so far away too I think it puts a bit more pressure on the relationship.

Ah, I just dunno. The way we have 'left it' is that its all sorted and we're friends again but I feel a little bit of a distance between us now and am a bit down in the dumps. I guess the holiday home will help because I'll be spending time with my family while he will be spending time with his across the other side of the country.

Girls, I really really love him to bits, he makes me so happy and I know
from the other relationships I've been in that what we have is really special. I don't know why I'm writing this, and I don't know what I want to hear from you guys. I just want it all to be fixed and back to the way we were. What should I do??? Please don't tell me to talk to him some
more about it because we've talked for the last two days and are both so upset over everything I just don't think I have the energy to bring it all up again. I'm afraid that he will just get sick of me.
Thanks for reading
X

Couldn't read and not reply

You need to sit your boyfriend down and talk to him a bit more about this not when you're upset.
Sometmes relationships just go through this. My hubby's family seem to be ALWAYS 'interfering' (my words) or 'there to help' (his words). So every so often it comes to a head, we rejig our calendar to do something with my friends or family and not his.
Maybe he's insecure that he you have this great social life, and he relies on you and worries that everyone wants to spend time with you, and now his famly are writing to you too

This is not your fault, but it's obviously upsetting your boyfriend. You just need to talk to him and see what can be done to reassure him.

Don't hold onto the hurt of the argument that's not going to help either of you

Hi Kanga...first of all stop beating yourself up about this. You seem to be a really nice person that is so in love with her partner that you will do anything for him. It sounds like he is missing his family terribly and maybe the trip home will be exactly whats needed. A couple of days apart for ye both should do ye the world of good. Maybe step back a little from arranging your time out together and get him to decide what to do at the weekend for a change. Men like to be mothered but sometimes they throw their toys out of the pram and want to be independent.
Step back a little and maybe have a chat about how he feels deep down about things and ask him what he wants to change (probably nothing if he thinks about it!) I�d say it�s more like a male version of a hissy fit!! Good luck and hope everything works out. Don�t worry because I am sure he will realize sooner rather than later that he�s a lucky man!

Hi God you poor yoke what a horrible thing to happen ...........

It seems to me that maybe he's feeling a little insecure and perhaps homesick as well. As you said ye rely on each other because you're away - does he have friends of his own or interests of his own? Plus as you said you're both tired ........ Having said all that he really shouldn't have taken it out on you but unfortunately that's men!! Sit down and try and get to the bottom of what's really upset him cause I don't think it's that his sister addressed the parcel to you - maybe having a niece/nephew out there that he hasn't seen has just made him miss his family even more and he's feeling a bit lonely .............

I'm sure he loves you to bits, meet his parents and enjoy the holiday and have another chat with him when you're both feeling less upset.

Do you think he may be suffering from depression and/or self esteem issues, it sounds very strange when someone is so loving and giving normally for them to get so upset by something like a letter from his sister going to you. Is there a family history of depression?

Kanga, you poor thing. It does all sound very confusing.

I think maybe he is feeling insecure or is suffering low self esteem? That would help explain why he says likes you the way you are, but also feels that you are in charge of things and not him.

The way you described yourself sounds really like me - I like being in charge of things and like to make the decisions - and bless him my H2B is happy to allow me. However I've recently seen that there are advantages to letting him take charge of some things - it frees up more of my time, and I've suddenly realised that the more he takes charge of things the more I see him as 'a man', which is a very nice feeling. Perhaps the balance in your relationship could do with a subtle shift? It might improve his confidence...

The fact that he does so much for you, he obviously loves you, but it could be another sign of insecurity if he is worried that he needs to continually 'earn' your love? You obviously adore him and I don't know what to suggest, except maybe do something like cook his favorite meal for him and show how much you love him?

Chin up sugar, you both need a break and I'm sure things will setlle back to the way they were soon.

Hi Kanga,

My friend just went through something really similiar lately. We all used to be so jealous cos her boyfriend did everything for her. He was the perfect man. Then all of a sudden he freaked at a night out with her friends. When they sat down and spoke about it he said sometimes he felt taken for granted and the odd time he had a night out that clashed with a night out she had, they always ended up going to her night ....meaning she never made sacrifices for him when he was constantly making them for her.

When she told me about it she said for the first time ever she realised that she had been taking him slightly for granted....she said she was always saying to people "oh he won't mind giving us a lift here, or he won't mind picking that up for me on his way home" . Sometimes he did mind but because he always did it he felt like he had this image of the perfect man to live up to.

I think when we always get our way or if someone does everything for us we can (unknowns to ourselves) be a bit dominant over that person. You sound very much in love with your boyfriend and him with you and I'm sure if you both have more of an equal say on things you'll be back to your loved up selves in no time!!! Good luck with it and chin up it will pass!

To me it just sounds like he's immature when it comes to relationships. There's probably so much that he's not used to when it comes to sharing his life with someone. I think he needs to realise that the problems aren't with you or his sister, the problems are all inside of him.
He's not used to being part of such a close couple and needs to learn to adapt.
Give him time.

Hi everyone...Thanks so much for all ye're brilliant replies - I felt so much better reading them!! I had a course last night and didn't get home until 9pm and when I got home he was there looking a bit miserable. I gave him hugs and didn't mention the war and he seemed to be way happier cuddling up to me last night. I think ye are all probably right tho' - I think its probably a combination of tiredness, immaturity and the longing we both have right now to go home. I've told him that he can organise our weekends from now on and he seemed happy enough to do that so I guess I'll just sit tight until we have our holiday and see how I feel then. Thanks Guys