Not a day passes on the WeddingsOnline forums without a �Guest List Catastrophe� thread popping up in some way, shape or form. In fact I�d have no hesitation suggesting that there�s not one married couple on the face of this earth who didn�t have a pushy parent, rude co-worker or an oblivious second cousin to contend with at some stage of their wedding planning. The fact of the matter is that guest lists are minefields, and if you stumble across them with no real plan you risk your perfect day blowing up before your very eyes.
By Karen Birney
Creating a guest list
There are two main aspects to look at when you’re creating your guest list... They are;
1) What type of wedding do you want? A small, intimate wedding for close friends and family/a big shin dig for neighbours and colleagues/something in the middle?
2) How much money do you have to do this?
Whatever you decide on will be reflected in your numbers. In order to avoid any future problems it’s important to give your parents a look in at the start of the process, so when you decide on approximate numbers, allocate a certain amount of invites to both sets of parents. More than likely they will be very proud of you and excited about the day, and they will want to invite some close friends to share the experience with them. The amount of invites your parents get and the influence they have on your guest list will alter depending on who’s paying for the day. If they are paying for the day it’s only right to let them invite who they’d like to be there, however if they are not, it’s still respectful to give them some invites. The number you give will be at your discretion.
First and foremost, make a list of who you’d like to attend, starting with close friends and family, then work colleagues and extended family, and finally old friends, such as school or college chums. Ask your parents to make a list of the people they want there and to include their contact details, and to make their list out in terms of most important to least important (which for some seems to be quite a difficult task!)
Trimming your guest list
You can trim your guest list from the get-go, if you so wish. One approach which caught my eye was the following from brides.net: Send a questionnaire with your invitations with about ten quick-fire questions only people who really know you and your hubby will get right. Anyone who gets half or more questions wrong is automatically off the list! Genius! While that mightn’t be your cup of tea (and I really, really doubt it is, given that it was a joke), there are other ways of trimming down. Things like: no children (except your own and/or nieces and nephews perhaps), first cousins only, no plus ones for singles, no colleagues etc should get numbers down hard and fast.
Remember that 20% of invites are usually declined, so if you only want 100 guests, you could probably send an invite to 120 and still come good.
Other ways to trim down (and these are for the serious number-cutters among you) are the following: 1. Get married on a day that not many people will be able to attend ie Monday-Thursday, 2. Get married abroad, or 3. Make an effort to offend at least 50% of your invitees on facebook by posting something along the lines of “ugh, this wedding is becoming such a pain, we don’t even LIKE half the people we invited”. Some of them may get the hint then, but be aware that you’ll never hear from these people again, and you’ll probably risk losing your job, home and social life in general -Not for the faint hearted to say the least.
Problem people & Suggested solution
1) The one you want to uninvited
Problem: You sent out your save the dates only to realise about three months later the girl you thought was sound is actually a head-wreck.
Solution: The hard and fast rule is you can’t go uninviting people because they weren’t all you thought they were. More than likely doing this will cause more problems than it’s worth, also you may risk putting other people out and having to explain your actions over and over. If there isn’t a good enough excuse to uninvite someone (ie they said yellow roses mean death) then just leave them be, with luck you won’t have to see them for the rest of the day.
How to avoid this problem: Avoid this problem by not sending save the dates. Often you’ll find the guest list changing as circumstances do in the run up to your wedding. Save the dates only really need to be sent if you’re getting married abroad or the guest has to travel to get to your wedding. Otherwise you only need to send invitations, and only when you’ve finalised your guest list.
2) The couple who want to bring the kids
Problem: You only want your children/certain children at your wedding but your friends and extended family have different ideas.
Solution: The trick to this one is to be straight with people, and if they have a problem with it then it’s their tough luck. You may just want your nieces and nephews there, and so, people bringing their kids are going completely against what you have asked. If guests RSVP from their whole family, call them and explain that you simply can’t accommodate children at your reception, and if that means they can’t attend that you are very sad to hear that and they will be missed! Badabing!
How to avoid this problem: One solution to this is to put the names of the people you are inviting on the RSVP, so they can’t add anyone else. Another is to add at the end of your invitation that you ‘regret to inform guests that children cannot be accommodated on the day’. Get the word out to people early that you won’t be having kids at your wedding through your parents and (childless!) friends so people can make alternative plans. The only thing to do here is to give as much notice as possible, and if people still go against you, don’t give them any dinner. Or do something less obvious that will make you feel better.
3) The singles table
Problem: People assuming they can bring their boyfriend/girlfriend/a randomer they pick up on the way to the church.
Solution: You don’t have to put plus one on your invites. The etiquette for this is usually that people who are married or have long-term partners get plus ones. It is also polite to give someone a plus one if they won’t know many people at the wedding. However when it comes to colleagues or old college friends etc, it isn’t necessary to give them plus ones as you are often inviting them as part of a small group. As with the ‘children’ issue, send word out that it’s a small occasion and that you would like to give everyone a plus one but don’t have the budget for it! You can also be very straight with people with this one, if they’re being difficult explain that such and such will be there so they won’t be on their own, however if they don’t want to come without their friend that you are sorry and they can arrange a few drinks with you when you’re back from your honeymoon!
How to avoid this problem: Again putting a name on the RSVP could work here, so no other names are added. Getting word out that you are trying to keep numbers down is important, and make sure that if you make a rule, stick to it. So don’t invite one cousin’s boyfriend and not another’s, or bad words could ensue.
4) The ‘I’m not sitting next to her’
Problem: Sarah doesn’t want to sit near the ex and his new girlfriend, and aunty Barbara and uncle Frank aren’t talking to each other since the ‘bingo incident’ last month.
Solution: The only thing you can possibly do here is try your best to keep them off the same table, if you can, a quick ‘you won’t even see them/her’ will suffice, if not, tell them you’re not sure how the tables are set up cause you left it to the wedding planner/hotel manager/monkey butler to organise. Then swiftly change the subject.
How to avoid this problem: There’s no way to avoid this one I’m afraid. Resign yourself to the fact that people are always going to be difficult, and ignore it!
Top tips!
Verbally inviting people -Nip this in the bud right after the ‘Will you marry me?’ The first person to get this across to is himself. Think of it this way; between the locker rooms at football practise, to the Friday after-word bevs and finally the card game with the lads on Sunday night -there’s a lot of verbal invitations could get spat out in that time. Tell him to keep shut about the wedding and to only talk about how beautiful you are and how happy he is. Same goes for the ‘rents.
Who’s out -this needs to be set in stone from the start also. If you don’t want his ex-girlfriend who’s ‘really sound’ and who’s ‘always asking about you’ there then say it. No point letting these things stew. Also if there’s a family member that ruined someone else’s wedding by not leaving the bar alone then cross him/her out too. Don’t give yourself extra stress, you really don’t need it.
Do we have to?! -You don’t have to invite people because you went to their/their childrens’ weddings. If you feel bad about cutting certain people out, maybe think about having a dinner party or small social gather a month or so after the wedding.
Main image by Sloan Photographers
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