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by **privatepile** » Wed Mar 07, 2022 3:13 pm

............. :-8

squonk · by **squonk** » Wed Mar 07, 2022 3:37 pm

*Hugs*

That sounds like my ex, especially the last few lines, when I'd hear my name I'd stiffen and think "What have I done wrong/not done now?". I don't really have any advice as I was just going out with the guy for 5 years (thank GOD I didn't marry him for a millions reasons) and we just broke up but when married it's not so simple.

My own fiance is shockingly messy, and it's really doing my head in over the last few days, but he is never mean to me about it, and it makes such a difference from my ex that he at least know that it's his fault the place is a mess and not mine.

MrsGilhooley · by **MrsGilhooley** » Wed Mar 07, 2022 5:56 pm

Poor you, this seems pretty horrible for you at the moment.

Do you not think you can talk to him at all? Are you sure he is blaming you for things not being clean / jobs not being done and not just kinda shocked by how dirty the house gets in a week (we had this for a while). Can you suggest getting a cleaner?

ninja next · by **ninja next** » Wed Mar 07, 2022 6:22 pm

ahh you poor thing. You defintily need to talk. The cleaning is not just your responsibility, you both work. You need to agree who does what - we have a rule whoever cooks has to wash up! Also we have a cleaner for a few hours a week as we dotn want to spend our sats cleaning, any way ye coould stretch to this? It saves a lot of arguments in our house.

Mustang Sally · by **Mustang Sally** » Wed Mar 07, 2022 7:03 pm

+1 on the cleaner....best money we ever spent. Used to fight like cat and dog over the cleaning before we got her.

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time

Littlebo · by **Littlebo** » Thu Mar 08, 2022 2:47 am

The problemn isn't just about the cleaning this is apparent.

You don't want to go home and I am so sorry. You should not be talked to or treated like this and yes this is Bullying. A cleaner is not the answer, you have to speak to him very strongly for a start and tell him that both the way he speaks to you and the testing and texting is NOT going to be tolerated by you any longer. Whatever way his Mother was in his home is a lot different to both your lives and your unit presently. HE has a responsibility to you in this unit to behave and treat you respectfully and equally. Why should you pick up his dirty slops and his rubbish?

A HARSH reality check is needed for him. This is not normal squabbling over the cleaning of the House. This is laziness and selfishness on his part and he needs to understand this. Look, we all have rows over the cleaning etc but, well, not like this. His attitude stinks. He should be delighted that he has a wife who cooks for him everyday and cleans. He is very lucky and you seem like a lovely caring woman.

You need to do something about this and stamp it out. A good stern talk has to happen.

by **privatepile** » Thu Mar 08, 2022 9:28 am

.........

Diamondz · by **Diamondz** » Thu Mar 08, 2022 2:19 pm

privatepile wrote:then he siad that the cupboards needed cleaning, the shower was a disgrace, he spent all day on his hands and knees cleaning, so i had enough and decided to play him at his own game and said really, i see you didnt get a chance to hoover the carpet in the front hall or move your miller bottles from the front room, never mind sure i'll do that!

Sorry but I would have been pointing him in the direction of the cupboard holding the cleaning products!! Your DH needs a harsh reality check and it needs to be done very soon! You feeling liek you don't want to go home is seriously NOT ON....

IvytheTerrible · by **IvytheTerrible** » Thu Mar 08, 2022 3:30 pm

Privatepile, maybe you don't feel so down about things today but you have got nothing sorted? I would be willing to bet you will be bickering again next week over the same issue.

If both partners work, I think it's only fair that the housework is shared. Could you sit down and agree on who could do what? Also agree when these should be done, maybe yours on a Sat morn and him on his day off but it needs to be kept that way so that means putting stuff in dishwasher etc. That way, there should be no mud slinging over who did what and what kind of a state things are in. It sounds like your DH is trying to win points or something and taking it over into silence at dinner doesn't sound like much of a married life.

FoxyLockz · by **FoxyLockz** » Thu Mar 08, 2022 3:42 pm

Diamondz wrote:
privatepile wrote:then he siad that the cupboards needed cleaning, the shower was a disgrace, he spent all day on his hands and knees cleaning, so i had enough and decided to play him at his own game and said really, i see you didnt get a chance to hoover the carpet in the front hall or move your miller bottles from the front room, never mind sure i'll do that!

Sorry but I would have been pointing him in the direction of the cupboard holding the cleaning products!! Your DH needs a harsh reality check and it needs to be done very soon! You feeling liek you don't want to go home is seriously NOT ON....

I have to agree with this 100%. You should not have to feel like to don't want to come home in the evenings and you also need to be able to have your name called without shuddering and thinking you've done all sorts.
If hes so quick to point out your fault when cleaning and vice versa why don't you both sit down and make out a rota of who does what cleaning and rotate it every so often. That way he can't hassle you left right and center about whats not done and it will be the same for you.
Somethings gotta give here. If you can't get a cleaner in then its up to you both to come to a resolution so ou both can work and eat in peace without there being tension.

Really hope you work it out x

by **farawaybide** » Thu Mar 08, 2022 10:31 pm

My heart goes out to you but I feel that you should sit down with your husband and tell him excatly what you are thinking. Firstly if both of work full-time you should share the housework. When you moved in together did he come straight from his parents house and have his mother do everything for him? Explain to him that it is the year 2012 not 1912 and that the load should be shared between you both, do up a rota, explain that he is old enough to clean up after himeself (ie leaving his breakfast ware for 3 days testing you!!!!)

What will happen when you have children? Will he expect you to do everthing while he puts his feet up after work.

All else failing stop cleaning for a while, let everything build up and maybe he might realise how much you actually do.

Sorry to go on but this happened to me before and the longer you leave the more he'll expect from you.

ShoeCrazyBride · by **ShoeCrazyBride** » Mon Mar 12, 2022 3:32 pm

I realise I'm on this a bit late but I was curious to see how you got on over your weekend?

I am sorry, that is an awful position to be in, and I agree with the other wollies, you should never feel like you do not want to go home. Your home is meant to be your safe place where you go to wind down and feel happy.

Your OH does sound a bit of a bully. What concerns me most of all is that in his head he seams to be playing some sort of game (by testing you to see how long you will leave something there for) which is very unfair. Maybe he doesn't realise it, as it has never really been made an issue of before. I would definately nip this in the bud now, totally agree that the longer you leave it the worse it will get.

Sending you loads of love

by **2012** » Mon Mar 12, 2022 7:28 pm

I'm really sorry your feeling like this, it is not nice at all...

sounds like you need one of these!!!

Is there any way you can talk to him about this...maybe leave it a day or two until emotions calm down all around??

You are not his mother, you are both equal, both work full time jobs..you both have to clean as ye go and give the house a clean at the end of the week!

Maybe just clean as you go and then each of ye get a room each where it has to be done!!

Good luck!!

Nostress · by **Nostress** » Tue Mar 13, 2022 10:15 am

I know I am really late here but I could not respond.

I have to disagree with most posters on here
You do not need to sit down for a nice little chat about sharing the housework - you need to sit down and tell your OH to stop emotionally abusing you.

Yes, in my opinion this is abuse.
You do not need a cleaner, he needs professional help.

I have no medical training, but from what you have described I would be worried that, fair enough you get the cleaning sorted, what will make him bully you again next.
I do not want to go into scare tactics here, but you are only married a year and you do not want to go home - that is so wrong. Your home is where you should feel safe.

If anyone texted me

NOW to top it all off he texts me to give out about the state of the house and that his whole day has been ruined as he has had to do the cleaning when he could have been doin other stuff.

it would set off alarm bells.

Was he always like this or is this a new trait you are seeing in him? what has happened to change him into this bully?
These are the questions you need to ask yourself, not how much is a cleaner.

I have heard this campaign on the radio a few times recently and once I read your post I thought of it..I know it is highlighting possessive partners but to me the theory is the same, your OH is becoming controlling and you are feeling the effects of this already.

http://www.womensaid.ie/campaigns/

I really hope you have the strength to make him see what he is doing is so wrong.

by **privatepile** » Tue Mar 13, 2022 12:34 pm

.......... :-8

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