Helping parents without overstepping the mark?

Smileykaz · by **Smileykaz** » Mon Apr 30, 2022 9:08 am

Any Wollies with older parents? Kinda in the 70-80 bracket?

How do you help them with things without overstepping the mark and taking away their independence?

My folks are getting some work done on their house and it's only now that it's being done that we've (my siblings and I) realised how much needed to be done and how the house is getting too much for them now.

I don't mean things like eating or shopping or cleaning the loo now, but things like washing windows, cleaning curtains, moving furniture to clean behind it, that sort of thing?

I really think they need help in these areas, they both have arthritis and just don't seem to be able to do much anymore. But they'd never say and any time you talk to them they say 'You've enough to do with your own house/family we're grand' and they'll never admit to needing the help. But I really really think they do.

I know that they wouldn't like a stranger in their house so getting a cleaner is out and anyway there's four of us so we can help them between us...but how to go about it? Do I just show up once a week with my mop and bucket and start cleaning? Is that a bit rude or something? It's their house like, they pay the bills, they do their own shopping, they're adults. I don't want to start bustling in and treating them like children.

I know everyone is goign to say 'talk to them' but we've tried and getting them to agree to any help or to do anything is a nightmare, they're just so stubborn and insistent that they're ok.

We had such a job trying to get them to agree to this work in their house in the first place it took a lot of persuasion and talking to them and talking them around that they needed to paint and paper and get new flooring. Genuinely, it took weeks and weeks to get them to agree to it. My siblings and I have paid for part of the work and my brother organised the whole thing with the painter/decorator, even down to picking new light switches for them. My sister packed away all their stuff for them and then they stayed with me for a week while it was all going on so they had to actually do very little, y'know, we were all MORE than happy to help them with this. Getting work done in the house is a pain in the bum as we all know, so we all chipped in to make it as easy as possible for them...but even then they were resistant!

This is a really hard one, we're stumped on what to do - they're in full control of their faculties like, they're both adults, they're able to do their shopping and go for a drink on a Saturday night and pay their bills like. They watch the news every day and read the newspaper...they're not decrepit in a bed in a home like, so I don't want to treat them like that. But they DO need help, they really do.

Any words of wisdom?

Mari yay · by **Mari yay** » Mon Apr 30, 2022 9:22 am

A tough situation no doubt, my dad wouldn't be that age, he's 61 but when you want to do something to help him you have to go about it in a very roundabout way. I think its their generation.
For example, he doesn't have a car (he has no need for one as my sis lives at home and she has a car, but she works so car is gone all day). But recently his mam was very sick and him and all his siblings were spending time with her every day and also overnight. So when he wanted to go see her, he'd drop my sister at work, but then he'd have to be back to collect her then at a certain time. And my sis works very early and if she has overtime, it's 6am. He was worn out getting up at 5.30 every day to drop her to work, then sitting with his mam all day, he was so wrecked.
So I suggested he take my husbands car for a while, as hubby cycles to work and the car sits at home all day. In order to do this though, I made it sound like he'd be helping my sister out if he took the car if you get me. Like I said to him, if you took our car, then my sis would be able to do overtime if she wanted to, as she feels bad doing too much overtime when he had to drop her off.
Dunno if that makes sense, but thats how it is with my dad, you can get him to agree to things if you make it sound like he is doing someone else a favour. Would that work for you at all, something like that?

C13 · by **C13** » Mon Apr 30, 2022 9:25 am

Its a sensitive subject alright, my parents would be a bit younger but I did have that kind of experience when my lovely granny graced this earth. She was as stubborn as a mule and as resistant to help as you could get!

I just used to visit her and get on with it, not say anything and if i saw that something needed doing then i'd just do it, i'd keep her involved as she always wanted to help and feel active - between washing the ware, cooking etc. - I'd chat away to her and she'd tell me all these lovely stories of when she was younger and before we knew it the time was gone by and the housework done! I'd take her shopping aswell as in latter years things just became too heavy for her to be carrying. I think she enjoyed the company and always loved being active anyway.

I certainly would try not to make a big deal of it though, as you well know the resistance increases somewhat when you give them the heads up! Good luck! :wv

Smileykaz · by **Smileykaz** » Mon Apr 30, 2022 9:28 am

Thanks Mari Yay that's EXACTLY how it is with my parents. You have to do it in a roundabout way. It can get a bit exhausting at times. I have to pull myself back at times and try not to get angry at them cos I know it's a generational thing and them not wanting to put us out.

Recently my Dad hadn't been well and Mam was up the wall a bit and I thought she could do with some time off to let off steam and look around hte shops and have a lunch out in a cafe you know? But I couldn't say that to her cos if I had, she wouldn't have agreed to come with me. So I had to ask her if she'd come into town with me to pick a present for my husband for our wedding anniversary and she agreed to that, as it was doing me a favour. We spent the afternoon in town, looking around and had our lunch and I had to pretend I didn't knwo what to get my husband you know? Drag it out a bit. She enjoyed herself, I know she did, and had a nice time with me. But if I had just said 'Mam you need an afternoon off' she wouldn't have gone, she would have resisted and resisted and stayed at home. But once it was a favour for me, she came into town.

I'm trying to think how I can make them see that letting me clean their house would be a favour to me!! Might have to think on that a bit. Thanks for the reply, glad to hear it's not just my parents.

Smileykaz · by **Smileykaz** » Mon Apr 30, 2022 9:32 am

Thanks C13. I thought of that alright. Just visiting and having a cuppa and then saying 'Jayze it's a fine day, here, will we wash these windows' and then just getting on with it. Letting them help by maybe filling up the bucket or tearing up the newspaper for me, but I'd do the actual work?

This is making me cringe actually, I feel terrible, I hate not knowing what to do. They need the help but they're just so stubborn. Really don't know what to do for the best.

Mari yay · by **Mari yay** » Mon Apr 30, 2022 9:34 am

Yes it can be very frustrating alright, you always have to come up with a backwards way of suggesting something, so it's like HE'S helping YOU out, and then he gets all uppity about helping you!! It can be equally frustrating and funny!
Also I'd be like C13 as well sometimes I just go home and do things that need doing without saying anything and more often than not it's done before he even realises you're doing it. (Although I think that's on purpose half the time, when you're JUST finishing and he says, oh I'll do that don't worry you sit down...and I'm there going, well it's done now dad cheers anyway!)

Finicky Fi · by **Finicky Fi** » Mon Apr 30, 2022 10:35 am

Other than the suggestions above, I don't know what else you could do.

I have the opposite problem.
I've a very able bodied mother who won't do anything for herself.
She won't go to the shops, or even wash herself out of pure laziness.
She's driving me mad.

C13 · by **C13** » Mon Apr 30, 2022 10:50 am

You're welcome Smileykaz! All you can do is go in on the premise of visiting for a cuppa, and get some window washing or the likes done too!!! The older generation have their own views and are often set like stone in them and so it certainly does take a bit of work getting to a point where you can help without them feeling less able etc!

Mari yay · by **Mari yay** » Mon Apr 30, 2022 11:38 am

Finicky Fi wrote:I have the opposite problem.
I've a very able bodied mother who won't do anything for herself.

This is what we have on my husband's end, his mother is perfectly able to look after herself when it suits, but at the drop of a hat then she's on the phone to him looking for him to drop everything and go running. She rang us both last Fri night even though she knew we were away for the weekend. She needed a lift to the Dr she couldn't drive she was afraid she'd vomit. Never hear from her only if she want's something.
There's nowt as queer as folk!

hestia · by **hestia** » Mon Apr 30, 2022 12:57 pm

Nay wordsa wisdom to add SK, just a know where you're coming from. It's impossible to reconcile my folks' age with their entitlement to slow down; they're mentally agile and forever on the trot. It seems to be hardest for them most of all. But it does help to flag up the need to, and the uncashed offers of help for them to chew over themselves. Thankfully my mother was never one of those cleanliness obsessed types, but I can see she's beginning to ease up and let the unnecessary jobs go a bit longer. A lot of cleaning carry-on is unnecessary too. My Da helps her out in other ways he wouldn't have before either and vice versa. They seem to be re-negotiating the terrain of their home in small but useful ways. Tis great too you're all relatively near your folks and united in offering help and concern. That way things shouldn't get too outta hand and another potential scrap foiled before it even begins. Tension only needs a spec of dissention to thrive. Siblings pulling together - that'll have made yer parents happy too no doubt. G'luck.

Smileykaz · by **Smileykaz** » Mon Apr 30, 2022 1:10 pm

Thanks Hestia.

I agree with you, a lot of cleaning is unneccessary. My home is 'lived in' shall we say! Ha! But I've noticed in my Mam's house that little things are creeping in that ARE necessary. Small thing slike say cleaning the outside of the presses in the kitchen. The bottom of the presses and drawers lower down are dirty and unwashed and it's because my Mam's hip is so bad she can't bend down that far. I know it is, because the top of the presses and the upper drawers are clean!! And it looks terrible in the kitchen to have actual dirt there, you know? It's just a case of her being able to comfortably clean the top of her presses, but not the lower down bits. Only noticed that the other day and nearly cried. Couldn't believe I hadn't noticed it before now.

But I feel if I swan in there and start cleaning the presses she'll freak out and either never let me in the house again or she'll cripple herself getting down on her hands and knees to clean the presses before I can get to them.

Neither is an option like!

Will have a think - thanks to everyone for the advice. I think a sibling conference is in order and then just some gradual dropping in and offering to help and doing the work with them rather than for them. Thanks again everyone.

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