very confused

by **cecily** » Fri May 11, 2022 6:36 pm

Hi I maybe in the wrong place posting here but maybe somebody can advise me. I am the youngest of a biggish family and got married a year ago. My husband and I have discussed starting a family I know he wants children but he worries endlessly about being able to afford them. I have begun to feel a bit broody lately but I dont know if its just because alot of my friends have had babies or whether I just feel its the next step.I do love children and have always imagined myself being a mother. My siblings dont have children and don't seem to want them. I feel that if I was to get pregnant the news might not be that well received. My mother has never been very maternal and sees children as a bit of an inconvenience even though she had them herself. My husbands side dont seem to care either way. I feel very confused about the whole thing i'm generally someone who makes up their mind fairly quickly about things and then goes for it. Sometimes I feel like we should put it off for a few years until we get our finances etc sorted but then I think that the longer we leave it the harder it will be. I am in my early 30's. Is there a time when something just clicks inside and you just know you want a baby? Or were there any of you in the same spot as I am in?

Luka · by **Luka** » Fri May 11, 2022 6:59 pm

Hi Cecily,

Look at it this way, can you afford NOT to have a baby (emotionally) ??

Firstly, I was 33 & 34 having my 2 miscarriages & then 36 having my DS. Pregnancy is not a guarantee for anyone so don't think about putting trying on hold.

Secondly, when we were Lucky enough to have our baby, family were SO good, everyone wanted to pay for something & we didn't feel any costs initially. Now that he's a year, it's a little more expensive, but I've gotten baby clothes passed down from relations & with sharing things like that around, you don't feel the cost at all! We use aldi nappies, wipes etc, less than €10 a week & they are perfect. Formula can be expensive, but there are so many other savings to be made, it evens out. CHildrens allowance may only be €140 a month but it helps. TBH we are no worse off financially but so much better off emotionally to have him in our lives. You will never regret going for it! :babydust:

by **Pema** » Fri May 11, 2022 7:24 pm

hi cecily

ur last two lines echo with me so I said I'd write.
Is there a time when something just clicks inside and you just know you want a baby? Or were there any of you in the same spot as I am in?

You'll see from my signature my history (TTC 6 years, 2 x MCs).

Here's my story: I never grew up thinking of my wedding day. I never thought of children. I met my husband, and after years together, fell in love (yeah, it took a while but when it happened, it was a rollercoaster!) and we decided to get married 10 years after first meeting. I just turned 27 when we got married. We didn't speak of kids- it was a given I guess that at some stage we'd have them. We're both from reasonable sized families. Within a year, we decided to start trying. We were both 28. Not necessarily because we were aching for kids - nothing clicked for me, no maternal instinct. In fact, I still don't have that today. I'm not sure if it was pressure from society or thinking it was the 'done thing'. But we went for it, even though we didn't have a whole lot of money - just a lot of love to give a baby. But then you learn its not happening. Then 3.5 years in the first mc came. And 10 months later the second one. And I decided I didn't want any more MCs so started with Napro.

When I get upset over ttc, its not really over not having children. I feel the same I always did - I can live without children as we didn't get married for that. I do get upset over the mcs, the stress of ttc and that everywhere you look people are having kids/talking about kids/expect you to have kids and are pretty insensitive. You are lucky there is no pressure from your families. My family never mentioned kids to us - DH's were the complete opposite and had me in tears many times.

But I do think your family would be really excited if you had a baby, you would be surprised! and at the end of the day, its about you & DH - don't worry about other people. Financially, you will manage...people always do. You don't need the best of everything - there are plenty girls on the forums selling second hand cots, buggys, you name it. You are not having 6 kids on day 1...just the one (or maybe 2 or 3), but you'll manage financially.But don't delay if you really want kids some day - you'll see from Luka's history and mine, it just might not be as easy as you think when you get started.

Best of luck with your decision xx

by **cecily** » Fri May 11, 2022 8:13 pm

I never expected to get such honest and heartfelt replies. I really feel for you Pema and I hope that your luck will turn. I can only imagine that miscarriages must be so difficult to cope with, my heart goes out to you. Luka, you are right about not wasting time. I think I really need to work out when we want to start trying and go with it. I suppose the whole thing just makes me nervous. I know that everyone loves babies etc but I really am worried about getting a hostile reception from my family I know one older sibling in particular would be very unsupportive. I know its not about them but I am very close to my family. I am so happy in my marriage and I would worry that the pressure of ttc would put a strain on it but then on the other hand I will end up very resentful if I leave it too late! This is such a muddle but it feels good to get it off my chest as theres no female friend I can talk to about this stuff.

by **Pema** » Sat May 12, 2022 11:55 am

hi cecily - I pm'd you x

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