where do you draw the line??

me julie · by **me julie** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 11:30 am

My intention was a small wedding with all our friends and family asked. This would have meant about 75. I am now standing with a list of 164 and half these extra people are down to the infamous fmil. I understand that she was at other peoples weddings and their childrens wedding over the last 40 odd years but I wasnt, Should I have too invite these because my fpil were at their weddings. She is constantly bombarding me about people with things like we were at all theirs weddings and if she on your hen and your not askinh her to the wedding. I am going to crack and my OH is just so easy going he like it will be grand but it wont its stressing me cause the budget is not there. O:|

candlequeen · by **candlequeen** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 12:18 pm

If she's contributing towards all these extra guests, then fair enough. If she's not, then NO WAY would I invite them.

Had this problem with my OWN Mum, I've not lived in the home parish in over 10 years and I don't even know half the neighbours anymore. She had a list well into double figures of people that "ah you have to ask them, I was asked to all theirs, I have to live here" - well I bloody don't. Our guestlist is already bloody ridiculous and I told her that we are paying for it, so we will decide who gets invited.

Put your foot down! And get your H2B to back you up. It's your day, she's already had her wedding.

by **Flapjack** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 12:24 pm

That seems a bit excessive alright. I think you need to talk to your H2B and get him to have it out with her.

Are you saying that you are asking people to your hen, but not to the wedding? I think I agree with your FMIL on that one. If I was asked to a hen, I would assume I would be going to the wedding as well.

me julie · by **me julie** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 12:35 pm

Thanks flapjack I didnt organise my hen the bms did. Most of those girls are invited and the rest to the afters. Is that the wrong thing?

by **Flapjack** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 12:41 pm

If some are going to the full day and some to the afters, that's grand!

I just remember someone told me about a girl who had her hen abroad. She asked a load of girls, and they all booked their flights, accommodation etc.
On the hen people were chatting away about what they were wearing to the wedding, and a couple of the girls were very quiet - turns out the invites had gone out a few weeks before hand, and they found out that they weren't invited.
There were pretty peeved that they had been invited to an expensive hen, and not to the wedding! They just assumed that they were invited.

me julie · by **me julie** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 12:50 pm

Thanks flapjack. I was panicking there. My hen is local no big expense at all and every girl is invited some way or another but just not all of them to the full. I can def understand why someone would be upset to have gone to the effort of going out foreign for a hen and not be invited to the wedding thats ridiculous. My thing here Im trying to explain is that my dmil is adding people for herself and we are paying for it all with no contirbutions. Its not that im being a cow we just dont have the money and I dont want to be in debt to keep her neighbours happy.

stupidname2013 · by **stupidname2013** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 1:14 pm

Ours is spiralling out of my control!! I always thought in and around 100 but OH has 32 aunts and uncles so not sure how I thought that would happend. We weren't inviting any of his cousins but then one has invited us so now I've no idea what to do! I'm hoping for 140/150 on the day out of a potential list at the moment of 220! Ahhh!! I guess just try stick to your guns unlike me and try reign it in!! Good luck!

Mrs2014 · by **Mrs2014** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 1:26 pm

I'd put your foot down. We will lave to invite mil2be's neighbours and close friends. But I wrote down the ones I was happy with - i.e. people I had met on several occasions and get along well with (They live in UK so if I've met them often, that's fair enough) but I refused to extend the list, whether or not they would contribute towards the cost. If the person isn't vaguely important to you or your OH I wouldn't bother.

If i'm unsure about someone on the guestlist, I try and picture them being there on my wedding day and how I'd feel about it. (Can throw up some interesting results!!)

The fact that they were invited to a wedding makes no difference. It's your wedding! Just tell mil you're only having a small gathering, then she can pass on the message to her friends/acquaintances/neighbours that you don't want there.

by **Mimi B** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 2:15 pm

After several arguments with OH about FMIL it has been decided he is to deal with his family and i will deal with mine. in fairness i would never ask him to tell my own parents who they could and couldn't invite so i don't know why he expected me to do it to his family.

in fairness we were never in the extreme position that OP is but since i was subjected to an arguement over black shoes (you would wonder O:|

) - OH could finally see for the good of our own relationship and my relationship with his family that if his parents needed to be told anything wedding related he would ring them himself. We are also working on a need to know basis and i'm certainly happier in the last couple of weeks :-8

me julie · by **me julie** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 2:20 pm

Thanks Girls when i go home this eveing going to sit oh down and have aserious chat with him and he can relay the message because Ive had enough. Another poster here said she didnt extend if they did pay and I feel the same way why should we have to have people at our wedding we dont want. it will end in chaos.

by **cloakndagger** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 2:59 pm

oh me julie...... if i could do it all again i would have DONE IT ALL DIFFERENT!! i would not have let my mil and fil dictate to me about who should be invited and who shouldnt!

I did draw the line a month before the wedding and am soo happy I did! DH told his mother in no uncertain terms that his brothers mil was NOT invited and there was uproar! this woman hates my parents and just causes drama! so why should i have upset my parents for this muppet! so i said enough is enough AND NO! and when one coupled pull out at the last minute i let another couple on the list!! and i wish i hadnt! they could be seen on the dvd coming into the church after i had walked up the aisle and whilst we were doing our vows we could actually see them walking out of the church again to go to the pub! lousers!!

One thing i had to be sooo conscious about was making sure that there was an equal amount of people (friends) coming from my parents side and his parents side! both sides were like children watching what the other one got!

at the end of the day its yours and H2B's big day and with the grace of god the only one yee will ever have, do you want to look back in 10, 20 etc years time and say god i wish i didnt invite them!!

my ils asked me to invite these 3rd cousins of theirs and i said NO and now the third cousin is not talking to the fil...... all coz he wasnt invited ! god love him should that be all he was worried about.......... now i need a drink as my stress levels have gone up a notch just thinking about it all again!

me julie · by **me julie** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 3:23 pm

im amazed at how many people this happens too. its a load of bs a wedding is a family day and once there are all there isnt that all the matters. and god help me but im rattled over this just want to get married not throw a circus type free for all. cloakand dagger i undertsand the need for a beverage :o0

and what kind of people leave halfway through the cermony- obviously the kind you wouldnt want - now that was lousy.

by **cloakndagger** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 3:51 pm

ohhh that phrase took me back to this time last year!! when the mil and fil were going on and on about inviting this and that person who happened to SMILE at the on the street one day! i basically said ITS A WEDDING NOT A CIRCUS!

you seriously have to make the decision for yourself!! the way i looked at it and you may well laugh but in the end i put a list of OLD people and YOUNG people as we had the Glitterbugs playing and sure if it was a majority of old people at the wedding then the dance floor would have been empty for the night so we had to do a 30:70 ratio MIL was highly offended and the "people" she forced upon us actually complained the following day of having a massive migrane coz of the outrageous band!!! poor pet! she's lucky i only heard that 6 months after the wedding as a she would have had an awful lot more to complain about having got a slap of a wet face cloth down the back of the neck! silly mare!

oh the joys!! and in saying all that i would love to have my day again!!! and im nearly married a year now! :eek

me julie · by **me julie** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 4:03 pm

Hilarious cloakand dagger- going to get a few of those wet face cloths and see how i go.

by **happilywed** » Thu Apr 19, 2022 7:05 pm

been there just put your foot down if your paying your well within your senses to tell her where to go O-O

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