Save the date...for an evening invite...grrrrrrr

lulu126 · by **lulu126** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 3:37 pm

I am so cross right now. >:o(

My friend emailed me in December and told me to keep the date free for her wedding in July which is in England. I was delighted because she'd be a friend I've known for a while. She and 2 other girls and I all used to waitress together and we've all stayed in contact since and about once a year we meet up for a reunion/big night out. They're good enough friends that I'd fly home to England to see them. Anyway, I just found out through one of the other 2 girls that the bride's not had enough day refusals and that now the 3 of us can only go to the evening bit. Apparently we can go to the church, drinks reception and then we have to go off and have a meal elsewhere and then come back for the party.

I am absolutely raging because I can't understand why she asked me to save the date knowing I live in Ireland (I've lived here for over 3 years) and so it's a huge undertaking/expense for me to go over to England for her wedding (especially one that's 6 weeks before my own) and to not tell me that it's just for the evening?!! The worst part is that she's getting married the opposite end of the country than where we're all from so it's not even like I can crash at my mum's to save money!

I understand the financial constraints- I really do- but I just think this is a really bad thing to do. I'm at a loss now what to do cos obviously I told her I was coming and I was really looking forward to seeing her get married and to have a good catch up with the other 2 girls. Also I feel like a chump cos I invited her to my wedding but to the whole thing.

Sorry if I'm being a brat but I'm firstly disappointed that I'm obviously not invited to the whole thing but also disappointed that it looks like I have to spend the money as if I were going to the whole thing (except now PLUS a meal in a local pub! :o0

) and without being there for it all. And then obviously I'm hugely annoyed that I had to find out through someone else and that she didn't tell me herself.

Am I overreacting? Would yous all be cross too?

CarolinaMoon · by **CarolinaMoon** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 3:42 pm

This happened to me a few few years ago. A girl I had been friends with since age 11 was getting married in London and I got an evening invite....as did our other friends and we were all actually a bit gutted tbh. Like a mug I went because I felt that as she was the first of us to marry that I should go. I wish I hadn't bothered. The meal overran and we sat in a side bar till after 11 and the whole thing finished at 12. I think its unrealistic to expect someone to travel all that way for an evening, I really do. If I was in the same situation again I wouldn't go.

morningsun · by **morningsun** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 3:44 pm

You are not overreacting! I would actually say you are underreacting!! Do not go!! I would be so cross and couldn’t justify that expenditure so close to my own when you are obviously not a priority or seen as important enough to attend the full day. This is unbelievable to be honest!! (well of course I believe you but you know what I mean!)

ciaraella · by **ciaraella** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 3:47 pm

to be honest i wouldn't be bothered travelling abroad for the afters of a wedding and if i knew guests had to travel from a different country i would ask them to the full thing and not the evening

Girl From Mars · by **Girl From Mars** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 4:29 pm

If you haven't booked anything I wouldn't go. Not out of spite or anything but it seems like it's an expense you can't afford at the moment. I'm sure your friend will understand and you're giving her 3 months notice.

corkiegirl · by **corkiegirl** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 4:35 pm

Yeah I agree with above. With 6 weeks to my own wedding, I would question being able to afford to fly to another wedding, even if all day. I wouldn't got all that way for an evening do, if I was you. Not just before your own wedding. And not if I'd received a save the date, assuming I was a day guest and then finding that out from someone else. If I really liked someone, I would travel like that to go to an evening do... but not in the way it has been done, like you've explained!

mrsblacky · by **mrsblacky** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 5:07 pm

lulu126 wrote:Anyway, I just found out through one of the other 2 girls that the bride's not had enough day refusals and that now the 3 of us can only go to the evening bit. Apparently we can go to the church, drinks reception and then we have to go off and have a meal elsewhere and then come back for the party.

Have you actually received the invitation yet? Could be just a case of Chinese whispers! I'm heading to a wedding in England on June bank holiday weekend and only received invitation last week so maybe she hasn't sent them out yet if the wedding isn't until July! Just a thought!

by **Tragen** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 5:40 pm

I would not go unless you are set to loose a lot of money.
This is just rude behavior! Half our guests were from abroad, anyone traveling got a full invite, I don't see how you could justify anything else.

Absolutely bizarre!

spaced2012 · by **spaced2012** » Wed Apr 18, 2022 10:06 pm

how does she know that she's not got enough refusals? wedding isn't for 3mths... are invites gone out very early with very early rsvp date?
also I doubt you've sent your invites so just leave her with an evening invite too... although I don't go in for this, just invite her if you want... wouldn't necessarily make me give an evening invite in return.

I wouldn't go to UK for an evening invite only,

lulu126 · by **lulu126** » Thu Apr 19, 2022 1:07 pm

Thanks for all your replies. :thnk

Mrs blacky I love your optimism but had it from the bride herself today. Apparently they sent out the day invites ages ago and the RSVP date was back in March. She blames it on the groom having a big family. She said she really hopes the 3 of us can still make it as we'd only be missing the dinner but I'm just really p*ssed off now and really don't want to fork out the money for it. It's working out at the guts of €200 just to travel there and that's before staying over, a gift etc. Just can't believe she's let us down in this way. I'd never ask someone to save the date if I had no intention of asking them to the whole thing. I'd certainly never do it to someone living abroad. It'd maybe be different if she was getting married round where we're from but it's a 5 or 6 hour drive from where we're from so I just don't think it's an option. CarolinaMoon I forgot that English weddings finish so early and had never thought of that- I'd be fuming if they only finished dinner at 10 or 11 and then that was it!

Any ideas on what I can say to her?

candlequeen · by **candlequeen** » Thu Apr 19, 2022 2:01 pm

lulu126 wrote:Thanks for all your replies. Mrs blacky I love your optimism but had it from the bride herself today. Apparently they sent out the day invites ages ago and the RSVP date was back in March. She blames it on the groom having a big family. She said she really hopes the 3 of us can still make it as we'd only be missing the dinner but I'm just really p*ssed off now and really don't want to fork out the money for it. It's working out at the guts of €200 just to travel there and that's before staying over, a gift etc. Just can't believe she's let us down in this way. I'd never ask someone to save the date if I had no intention of asking them to the whole thing. I'd certainly never do it to someone living abroad. It'd maybe be different if she was getting married round where we're from but it's a 5 or 6 hour drive from where we're from so I just don't think it's an option. CarolinaMoon I forgot that English weddings finish so early and had never thought of that- I'd be fuming if they only finished dinner at 10 or 11 and then that was it!

Any ideas on what I can say to her?

I'd reply to her and say that yourself and your H2B have talked about it and that as it's so close to your wedding, you can't afford to travel over to the UK at the minute. I think she has an awful neck to be honest, blaming him for having a big family - eh, did they just recently sprout from nowhere?! Surely to God this would have become an apparent issue when doing the guestlist? We have shelved some guests from our list but certainly not friends and certainly not anyone who would have to travel.

I was invited to a wedding down the country 2 years ago - it was an evening invite, and I went because the Bride was a friend. It ended up with 6 of us sitting in a bar while everyone else hung around after the meal and had the craic. It was 9pm by the time I saw the rest of the guests. We ended up going to a chipper because it was the nearest place to eat (the hotel bar food was disgusting). So basically, we travelled for three hours, paid for a hotel room, gave a gift, bought new clothes, and paid a babysitter at home so that we could go for chips.

Tell her you can't go, you can't make the trip. Cheek of her!

morningsun · by **morningsun** » Thu Apr 19, 2022 2:07 pm

candlequeen wrote:I was invited to a wedding down the country 2 years ago - it was an evening invite, and I went because the Bride was a friend. It ended up with 6 of us sitting in a bar while everyone else hung around after the meal and had the craic. It was 9pm by the time I saw the rest of the guests. We ended up going to a chipper because it was the nearest place to eat (the hotel bar food was disgusting). So basically, we travelled for three hours, paid for a hotel room, gave a gift, bought new clothes, and paid a babysitter at home so that we could go for chips.

Tell her you can't go, you can't make the trip. Cheek of her!

Do you mind me asking what you expect from an evening invite? Cos my understanding was that evening invites are usually only for people to come in at 9pm, then have a few sambos and cocktail sausages around 11.30pm or so but by no means would you be getting a substantial meal so I would always have had my dinner. Any evening reception I have been to has been just as you described so just wondering what you were expecting to happen? For this reason I wouldn’t ever bother travelling or paying for a hotel room for an evening reception.

ianstuart · by **ianstuart** » Thu Apr 19, 2022 2:32 pm

Thats just terrible , if someone was coming from a different country i would make sure to invite them for the full day. She has some nerve to send out an evening invitation and then tell you to your face that you are obviously not important enough to get a full invite . >:o(

I wouldn't go and i wouldn't make up any excuses i would just say sorry but for a evening invite at your wedding its too expensive. I would put STG 30 in a card and post it over .

candlequeen · by **candlequeen** » Thu Apr 19, 2022 3:02 pm

morningsun wrote:Do you mind me asking what you expect from an evening invite? Cos my understanding was that evening invites are usually only for people to come in at 9pm, then have a few sambos and cocktail sausages around 11.30pm or so but by no means would you be getting a substantial meal so I would always have had my dinner. Any evening reception I have been to has been just as you described so just wondering what you were expecting to happen? For this reason I wouldn’t ever bother travelling or paying for a hotel room for an evening reception.

Oh no, I didn't expect the dinner! I just thought the hotel would have decent bar food (but that's not the Bride or Groom's fault) - we had to travel a fair distance so we needed something to eat when we got down there. It was just a bad experience in general - not something I'm going to go into here but needless to say if we were to do it again I wouldn't have gone!

TBH I'd only go to the afters of a wedding if it was local.

morningsun · by **morningsun** » Thu Apr 19, 2022 3:11 pm

No sorry don’t expect the specifics, just wanted to check that people don’t expect anything more than a few sandwiches and cocktail sausages (wasn’t trying to be rude or anything just checking expectations), am doing up my evening invites now and we are telling people to come in around 9.30pm. we are only inviting locals who can go home afterwards. I would only ever go to a local afters aswell wouldn’t bother travelling and staying in a hotel.

Actually there are a couple of people (friends of my FSIL) who we were saying to come to the afters a while ago and we found out last night they are coming down the night before wedding, staying the night and hanging around all day until the afters so we just invited them to the full day!

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